Well, it’s been…way too long since my last entry. Needless to say, I am way off track. Two things happened that didn’t make it any easier to stick with my program. One was the holidays. I know, that’s not really an excuse…but it is to me, so, stick it. Haha. The second was a real excuse, and that was that I had emergency surgery to take my appendix out. That happened a few days before New Years, and it knocked me out for three weeks. So, about two weeks of holiday crap, and then three more weeks of recuperation from surgery…that’s FIVE WEEKS of no activity. I’ve since then started back with my weekly training sessions with R, but it’s been like pulling teeth trying to get myself to exercise between sessions. And, I’ve been feeling it.

I feel fat, lethargic, self-conscious, and depressed again.

The fact that I gained an inch around my waist isn’t any consolation.

I’m at this point where I really need to make a solid decision and stick with it. Either give up and weep and eat, or work my ass off again.

Everything that I’ve been doing to pass the time really needs to be secondary at this point. I’m not giving them up at all, they just need to be secondary. First priority after work is to exercise and have a healthy dinner. Second priority will be my hobbies and whatnot. The question in my mind is…do I want to go to the gym? Do I want to stick around my neighborhood? Or do I want to make my way to the track again?

I think a combination of all three might be a good thing.

So here’s a preliminary idea of what I have in mind for myself.

Monday: Meet with R for session.

Tuesday: Walk home from work (it’s a good 45 minute walk).

Wednesday: Gym for weights and cardio after work.

Thursday: Light 30 minute walk.

Friday: Rest.

Saturday: Field trip! YMCA track, OHSU hill, or hiking. Strength exercises at home. Alone or with friends.

Sunday: Rest.

As far as food goes, I’m slowly working towards a standard meal plan for the week and another for weekends. I’m going for calorie restriction for now, balancing protein, complex carbs, and fat. So far, I’ve fallen flat on my face numerous times…but, at least it’s getting back to thinking about what I’m consuming.

I just need to realize that this whole plan is TEMPORARY. I need to understand that it will, it has to change in time if I want to be successful. Once I reach my goal, then it’s all about maintenance. This is both comforting and a little scary.

This past year, one of the biggest obstacles in front of just going for broke in terms of weight loss (‘cause, let’s face it…I have the power to make the right decisions and to exercise), is that I wasn’t sure I really WANTED to lose the weight. Losing the weight would mean unwanted attention, maintaining moderation, and becoming socially “acceptable.” I would no longer be invisible or have license to eat whatever I wanted. People would look at and treat me differently as a thin person than as a fat person. And I was afraid that I would look at fat people differently, too. That I would become arrogant and preachy about the dangers of being fat. I hate people like that.

Like most of my fears, these are probably never going to come to fruition. And if they do? So what? I’ll deal with them when they arise.

So…here’s to tweaking my lifestyle again.

Gosh…I’m doing really well at not keeping up with this blog, aren’t I?

Well, things are kind of slow in both the weight and inch loss departments. Last time I measured in…I had lost a bit more around the waist, I think…and the bust. But I gained a little in the hips. I forget when that was…but this weekend I’ll be measured again, so we’ll see. At least I haven’t gained in the waist….and that is my main focus anyway. Also, as of this morning, I’m 286. That’s down one pound since my visit to the doctor’s. Yay.

Frankly, I think the reason that I’ve been kind of out of the loop was that I overdosed on monitoring myself so freaking closely that I lost sight of what it was I needed to do for myself. Instead of correcting my habits, I freaked out about weight and the numbers. Instead of keeping up my new habits, I reverted to old ones for comfort. Not good. So…I kind of froze and took a break. But now I’m back again.

I’ve been on Nutrisystem for the last month and a half, and while it was nice to have meals available for me…I took advantage of having the meals there and snacked on them…binged, rather, is the word. Well…maybe. For instance, I’d have two dinner entrees instead of one…that sort of thing. I knew that I would do that. So, I’m going to bring the food to work to have for lunches and snacks. That will work really nicely because I get in trouble with the snacks available in the lunchroom (chips, candy, cookies, etc) and the delis around here that don’t serve very good food. I need to have my own available. It will also cut down on the amount of food I need to bring to work every day and it will make food less available for easy consumption when I’m home alone. Having to prepare my meals cuts down on my snacking, quite honestly. So…Last night I made myself a chicken breast, heated up some broccoli, and steamed some rice for a very filling and satisfying meal.

AND…

Tomorrow I will be buying a crockpot (since mine was broken…long story) and some single serving Tupperware containers so I can make a ton of soup or chili or whatever to have for dinner, lunch or the weekends. Yay!

AND…

I’m going to start keeping a food journal again. When Rachel made me do it, I hated it (which is pretty typical of me…I don’t like people telling me what to do…but I’m working on it for my own sake!)…but I see the value of it and want to start again.

AND…

I’m adding another day to workout. My neighborhood has some nice hills that I can walk up to boost my heart rate, so I’ve been doing that. It’s a nice 30 minute walk and I usually burn about 400-500 calories. I turn on some awesome dance music and I’m off.

AND…

I’m refocusing my efforts because I want to succeed even more this coming year. At first I was discouraged by losing twenty pounds in a year…but I had to give myself a little break. Okay, so I spent a year learning the ropes. I learned what it means to workout frequently, I learned what works best for me in terms of eating habits, I learned that I have a long way to go in order to live with compulsive eating habits, I learned that twenty pounds is a lot (try walking with two ten pound weights…it’s hard!!), and I learned that I actually do like to exercise. But now I’m even more determined to lose at least twice as much this coming year. I know what it takes, I know that it’s hard, and I’m ready for it. I’m not promising anything spectacular this year, but I am promising myself that I’m not giving up even if it takes me five years to reach my ultimate goal. Some thirty-five year olds are hot.

Happy One Year Anniversary to me! One year ago this week I started to change my life for the better. My ‘conversion moment’ was 9/18/06 when I saw that awful number and since then…I’ve made sure to try to go in the opposite direction. I’m in a better spot now that I would have been if I hadn’t have made the changes I did. So, yay me!

I went to the doctor on Monday to get weighed and talk about why I haven’t lost more weight. With all of my clothes on and in the middle of the day, my weight was 287. *dies a little inside* I thought it was going to be less. The only good thing about all that was that my doctor’s assistant who weighed me was super excited that I lost that much. I was happy to hear that I wasn’t in the 290’s…but I still couldn’t help but feel that I failed myself somehow by not having lost more. I mean, in a year I could have lost at LEAST thirty pounds.

So, the doctor came in and wasn’t sure why I was there even though I already said that I wanted to talk about why I haven’t been losing weight and if PCOS might not be playing a part. I told her that many years ago my gyno diagnosed me with PCOS, and that, subsequently, I read a lot about it…even articles from medical journals. I told her that from what I read, having PCOS makes it harder to lose weight. She said that she’s never heard that, but that being overweight causes PCOS. Then she gave me a fact sheet on it, and it even says on the sheet that PCOS causes weight gain! *sigh* Whatever.

I have to go back to get some blood work done, so hopefully I’ll be able to see what my blood glucose is like and all of that. She did say that even with a twenty pound loss, my body has become more regular. That is, my menstrual cycle has been more regular, and even spot on for the last two months. This is a big deal as for the last four or five years I’ve menstruated probably two or three times a year and never consecutively.

So. There you have it. I’m officially 287 pounds.

Fuck.

And all of a sudden my digital scale decided to work again. This morning I was 285. Better.

I have to say that on top of everything else kicking my butt into gear, this whole thing is sort of the last straw in making more changes. My doctor did recommend that I workout five to six times a week. I’m going to add only one more day to my regimen. I don’t want to pile more on my plate than I can handle and three days a week tires me out already. However, a few things have presented themselves as some good ways to add exercise and the best part is that it involves my friends! Two of the J’s mentioned wanting to do interval running together on weekends. I REALLY want to do Couch to 5K and see it through to the end. And then, two other friends who are not J’s but an M and an N are going to do yoga on Wednesday evenings at my gym. So, I think I’ll join them. I think it would be nice to do it with them.

So, if I do both, that’s five days. Hopefully I’ll see more results.

The NutriSystem has been going well. The best part about it is having dinner available every night, and it’s relatively good. However, when the two months are up, I think that I’d like to pull out my crock pot and duplicate some recipes and have my dinners ready at night. Having dinner already available has made my eating habits healthier and regular. Breakfast and lunch are easy as I can always bring the food and put it together at work since we have a nice kitchen/lunchroom. But dinner always gets me. I get home, sometimes late at night when I work out, and I’m tired and don’t want to fanny with thinking of what to eat. So, I usually snack or eat easy things like cheese sandwiches or something that isn’t so great. Having something good already there is perfect. Warm up the entree, throw some salad in a bowl, toast a piece of bread, slice an apple…voila. Easy.

The other thing I need to put the kibosh on is the extra snacking. At work it’s very easy to just going into the lunchroom and pick something out from the vending machine they have there. It’s more of a snack table, but all the good stuff is there. Candy, chips, cookies, soda, etc. It’s super easy to access and it’s the bane of my existence. Some days I won’t have a problem and stick to the food I bring, but some days I just snack all day from the snack table. It’s becoming less of a problem which is good…but those days that I do snack, I go all out. At least my pop consumption has been drastically reduced. I used to drink at least three Diet Cokes a day. Now I’m down to maybe one or two a week at the most. I also used to drink two to three lattes a day (non fat…but still…it’s coffee), now I have one maybe a couple times a week. Now I’m trying to stick to my ice water. My water bottle holds 32 ounces, so I drink one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. One more if I work out.

Anyway. So there’s an update. I’m trying not to be discouraged. Here are two positives to end with!

Positive #1.

On Sunday I went with two of the J’s to help one find some new frames for her glasses. It was a ton of fun, but I was feeling kinda dowdy. Now…you know how when you look in the mirror and you expect to see yourself looking a certain way? I kept taking quick glances of myself in the mirror when I tried on frames for fun, not taking too long to look. But then I took one good look of myself from the side and I was kind of surprised to see how thin I looked compared to what I was expecting. It was nice.

Positive #2.

Yesterday during my work out I couldn’t stop expressing my frustration with the weight thing. It’s been a WHOLE YEAR and I’ve only lost twenty pounds. Grouse, grouse, grouse. One of the finishing exercises Rachel had me do was do our uphill walk, which is grueling enough (although getting easier…), but she had me carry two ten pound weights this time. Oh my God…I just about died. It was SO HARD. And it was a very good reminder that twenty pounds does make a difference.

Positive #3.

While at the doctor’s office, I realized that the reason I had gone there a year ago this month had hardly been a problem as of late. I had been having digestive problems…like IBS. I still have episodes every now and then, but lately it’s hardly been a problem. In fact, my digestion as a whole has been less of worry for me. Yay!

Positive #4.

Even though I weigh a lot still, I don’t actually FEEL fat anymore. Sure I have my moments of fatness like most people do, but for the most part I FEEL thin. I put my hands on my hips and I’m always surprised by how long it takes me to feel them under my hands. I’m used to having my hips readily available to rest my hands on. I’m also surprised by how close my arms rest to my body. Instead of feeling like they are resting on an inflated balloon, my arms feel more normal…more perpendicular to my body. And I can almost feel a normal waist without the rolls of fat covering it up. I no longer feel the fat spilling over my jeans. I no longer have pants that don’t fit. In fact, most of the pants that I couldn’t wear without feeling like my circulation had been cut off now fit me perfectly…some are even too big. It’s an amazing feeling to have clothes that actually fit. On the bus, I no longer take up one and a half seats. People actually sit next to me now. I can walk down the aisle without turning myself sideways. I feel confidant, and pretty, and I feel as though I could do anything. All of this I feel after only twenty pounds lost….seven inches lost around my waist…I’m a bit overwhelmed by the thought of losing ONE HUNDRED THIRTY pounds more.

And actually…I’ve been rethinking my goal weight. I think that my natural weight is more or less around 170 and not 150. I wouldn’t mind being 150, but I think that weight might be hard to maintain. We shall see, though. So, for now…170 is my goal weight. That means…I really only have 117 more pounds to lose. I like that number a lot better than 130. If I can be a size 12 at 170, I will be a very happy woman. I haven’t been a size 12 since…junior high?

Anyway…that’s it!

It’s hard to keep a blog about weight loss when most of the time it’s just business as usual. Like I’ve said before…weight loss can be so boring! Unless you have a ‘conversion moment’ or you have a new loss. I’ve had both!

This past week I’ve come to the conclusion that my flagging motivation is my own damn fault. I’ve relied too heavily on other people to keep me motivated. Well…that just doesn’t work. I’ve found that out, and now…well I’m working on changing that. My workouts have been a lot better because of it. And I’m sure that my trainer is happy to hear me stop grumbling and whining. LOL

So, I’ve still dealing with the stupid weight thing. I go up and down like it’s no one’s business. For the longest time I was up and down between 290 and 287. As of late I haven’t hit 290 very often (yes, I’ve been weighing myself quite a lot actually…just to see what the pattern is, if there is one), so that’s good. On Wednesday morning, I hit a new low of 284! Then, a strange thing…that night I hit 283. So…I’m actually going for 284. That’s my new low. This morning I weighed in at 287…so, my thought its…if i can fluctuate between 287 and 284…then that means I’ve been losing weight. But, I’m running with the 284. I figure that I’ll always take the next lowest number as the true weight. So…I have now officially lost 21 pounds.

Alrighty…now for the better stuff. New measurements! This loss is counted from the last measurement taken on 8/25…with totals in parenthesis.

Neck: – .25 (-.75)

Chest: – .25 (-3.75)

Waist: – .5 (-7)

Hips: no loss (-5.5)

Upper legs: -.25  (-3.25)

Calves: -.25 (-1.75)

Total: -1.5 (-22)

Soooo. My abs are KILLING ME. My trainer, Rachel, had me doing these absurdly difficult things that inspired many a whine from me. All the same…it hurts in a good way I guess. I swear to God…I have a six pack under all this flab. LOL.

Anyhoo. As of the last time I weighed in…I had lost three pounds since the previous weigh in which was a month before that. I think.

And previous to that…the weight just doesn’t want to come off.

I know this is verging into TMI territory, but hear me out. A couple of days ago Aunt Flow came to visit after a six month absence. This has been the norm for the last year or two. I had been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) many years ago, so irregularity isn’t anything new. But twice a year is a little…ridiculous.

One of the ladies in my online weight loss community made a comment about how PCOS could be a reason why my body is having a hard time letting the weight go. Considering all that I’ve read about PCOS being strongly linked to insulin resistance and insulin resistance being linked to being overweight and that whole circle…it made sense to me that PCOS could be playing a negative role here.

*lightbulb over head*

She mentioned that she has been taking Metformin for PCOS, and it has helped her.

So, when I get back from my weekend camping trip, I’ll be making an appointment to go see a doctor and see if maybe I can get fixed up here. I don’t see medication like this as a weight loss solution, but if it helps me become regular and avoid cervical cancer or whatever…please! Gimmie! If it assisted in a little more weight lost, that would be an added bonus of course.

As I complained to my trainer last night, I should be seeing just a little more consistency in the weight loss than I have been seeing. I lost a lot of weight at first, but now it’s just not budging. So…that’s that.

Overall, the pounds aren’t a measurement of my success and I know that. I’ve lost a good number of inches around my waist, I’m building muscle, my clothes are fitting better/getting baggy, and I feel better. I’m learning new habits and I’m learning the difference between hunger and the need to binge. That’s the measure of my success.

However. Weight really is a part of it. So, if that number isn’t changing, then I do need to do something to get it going.

So.

Yeah. J

It happens every time. I think I’m doing so great and that I’ve got it all right…and then, I see the photos and…reality check! I’m nowhere close to doing anything perfectly, I’m still learning. I think it’s really important for me to not let myself get ahead of myself. There’s an ounce of humility I need to take from my reality check.

So…the things I CAN be happy about that are real results and not something I’ve conjured up in my head:

1. I feel thin.
2. I lose inches consistently.
3. I’ve already lost about twenty five pounds.
4. I’m smart enough to know when I’m living in denial.
5. I’ve made my health a true priority…mentally, emotionally, and financially.

Compared with how I looked at the beginning of all this in October, I can definitely see a difference. But from February to now…I just can’t see it. But this is actually motivation for me to do more. And, I’ve got a plan. It’s small…but I can do it. The fifth one I’m not going to push myself on, but I’m still going to move in that direction.

1. Take a brisk 30 minute walk on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I’m not working out.
2. Add even more fresh food to my diet, including more protein.
3. Continue keeping a daily food journal.
4. Stop watching all the weight-loss-by-surgery and super-morbidly-obese-spectacle shows.
5. Start hiking again on the weekends…maybe find a club I can join so I can do it with people who want to hike instead of making my friends come with me.
6. Oh…and get more sleep.

All this lifestyle-changing is hard. *sigh* I need a boost!!

Hey everyone.

So, to help me achive some weight and measurement (and behaviour) related goals, I’ve devised a few numbers to reach and non-food related rewards for the short term. Behooooold!

So, my current weight is 278.

Goal #1: Buy a small notebook in order to food journal as it happens, quit with the lunchtime ice cream (which has become a habit in the last week…lots of work stress), and have the scale read 275.

Reward: New exercise top and bottoms. These I actually need really soon (hopefully when I weigh in this week…I’ll be able to meet the goal) because my exercise clothes are too big for me now. My shirt is so big that it’s uncomfortable to work out in anymore. Even after washing the shirt, I still feel like I’m wearing a tent. So…this new top is a bit more fitted and will be ten times more comfortable. I can’t wait!!

Goal #2: My current waist measurement is 45.5 inches. My goal is to reach 44 inches.

Reward: New jeans. Mine are tooooo balloon-y. Again, it’s uncomfortable to wear them anymore. Woo!

Goal #3: Break the 270’s.

Reward: New running shoes. The shoes I have are good for my regular workouts, but as I want to start jogging a little I’d like to have shoes made for running.

So…that’s it! I’m excited to work for these goals. I’m not really a goal oriented person…like, goals don’t usually motivate me. But this has seemed to change as of late. I actually am looking forward to achieving these small goals…and, of course…getting the rewards!! LOL.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written an entry, and to be honest, I don’t really feel like it. To be completely really honest…I’m sick and tired of thinking about all of this. While this does NOT mean I’m qutting, this DOES mean I’m in a very bad mood. I’ve tried to keep myself on the up and up, but lately I’m just so tired and depressed…I can’t fake it ’till I make it.

Yesterday Rachel (bless her) tried to help me sort things out, but I was mostly quiet, trying to think about why I was sick of doing this when it’s been obviously so good for me. We came to the conclusion that a couple of things are coming into play. #1. My job is getting REALLY stressful, and it’s getting to be more than I can handle. Usually I’d eat to cope. This brings me to #2. I am no longer eating to cope anymore (well…trying, anyway…sometimes it just happens, but less often than normal), therefore I’m left with stress and hating my job.

Now that I know this…I hope to begin making some changes. Food is no longer my security blanket, and I refuse to revert back to operating that way. So…I need an alternative. I hope to enjoy the challenge.

I’ve also been contemplating going on meal plans like Jenny Craig or something. But, really…I don’t think that would help me in the long run. My main concern about these changes is to foster a lifestyle that I can maintain for the rest of my life. If I can’t or don’t want to do something until I’m 80, then I’m not going to go down that road. That means…no boxed meals, no shakes, no pills, no bars (as a general rule, although I do eat them in a pinch), no starving, no mad exercing that I couldn’t maintain, etc. I’m doing this the hard way, and I have to recognize this. I have to give myself some slack because this is an overhaul on my ENTIRE LIFESTYLE. This is not going to be a walk in the park…emotionally speaking because walks in the park are included in this new lifestyle.

So…I’m totally and overwhelmingly stressed. Okay. So, how do I deal with this? Maybe I need to bring a pair of tennis shoes to leave at work so that I can take a brisk walk outside for fifteen minutes or something. Maybe that is one way to take a deep breath, and regroup. My weekend excursions into forested areas have become a drug to me, that’s for sure. It’s an awesome way to decompress from the week. So, I’m keeping that. But…during the week…I think short walks during the my work day might be just what I need to cope. I’m going to try.

So…I’m down, but certainly not out. There is a lot of whining and crying coming from my general direction, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve been defeated.

Also, tonight my friend Jane and I are taking my godmother/her grandmother out to dinner for her birthday. I bought a beautiful vase of flowers. It will be so nice to think about someone else besides myself tonight. The place where we are going, Lebanese restaraunt, will have a lot of healthy choices. So…yay!

I guess I’m more worried about my grandmother than I admit to being. Last night I messed up and binged, big time. Right off the bat, I don’t know why. Maybe it has nothing to do with my grandmother…maybe it has everything to do with my attempt to discover where this behavior comes from in the first place. Maybe I’m digging up feelings that have lain dormant for so long…maybe I’m not as emotionally healthy as I thought I was. Maybe I’m not ready to let go of my mother this year. There are so many reasons for losing control last night that I don’t even know where to start. And, even though I know I’m not alone…I feel incredibly alone and I’m really scared of losing control of whatever it is I think I have control of. This monster of compulsive eating hasn’t gone away at all, and I know that. I’ve just been able to live with it lurking in the corner. Maybe I need to go back to OA. Maybe I need to make getting better my entire focus for awhile. I envision my life consisting of exercise, making meal plans, going to church, reading books, being with people as much as possible, crying a lot, and becoming a person that I can be satisfied with. And I only want my life to consist of creativity and happiness. Right now I feel like such a failure and a fuck-up. I can put a dozen different acronyms and names to what I’m dealing with. ADD, dysthymia, compulsive eating, perfectionism, daddy-issues, PCOS, being an aesthetic eyesore, utter grief…I don’t see these things as diseases that excuse me from taking responsibility for myself, but I see these things as an explanation as to why I’ve never taken responsibility for myself. The light bulb goes on when I can name these things. Okay, so I have ADD…what can I do to live around that? Alright, so I have dysthymia, what are the warning signs and what I can do to prepare myself for it? Compulsive eating…what are my patterns and what can I do to avoid triggers? And so on and so forth.

It’s when all of this hits at once that I start my old thinking cycles. I fucked up. I’m diseased. I can’t do anything right. My family expects better of me. I’m not perfect. I’m a failure. Maybe I should give up now. I’m going to die alone. No one cares about me because I’m a failure. If only I were [fill in the blank] then I’d be wanted and popular and easy to love. And each of these thoughts spawns other cycles of thought until I’m so tangled up and upset that I don’t know what to do other than zone out in front of the T.V. and eat.

Do you see?  I live in my head…this is my reality…and it’s uncomfortable and hard to ignore these cycles and live in the present. I’m successful off and on, but when things get hard, I withdraw into my mind. And this is the carousel I get on.

This time….however….this time I really am facing this beast by keeping this fucking journal. It’s public, yes, but that’s what I want. It’s a public confession, of sorts, like the way Christians used to do in the early days of the Church. Everyone can know my sins, and I don’t care. Know them. This is who I am. This is what I am dealing with. I’m not perfect and I know it, but it’s no excuse to opt out of living. And this is what I’m doing to hack away at my issues so that I can be the best person I can be. I refuse to hide from myself anymore and I’m making myself as vulnerable as I can. By virtue of being online, there is a sense of anonymity that keeps me from being vulnerable to the core, but at least it’s a start.

There is a lot of hurt in me, just like everyone else has hurt, and I’m the kind of person that, even though I’m passive, I can’t live with this for much longer before I feel that I’ll inflict some serious injury on my psyche. Maybe that sounds like psycho-babble, but it’s the truth.  I have to DO SOMETHING.

The best part of all this angst that won’t go away is that it makes it pretty obvious to me that I need to invest myself in my spiritual life…which I haven’t been attentive to in over a year. And…I miss it. I miss confession, I miss prayer, I miss meditating on spiritual writings…I hate feeling so disconnected with that life because I see the value of those things.

So…there you go. I binged. I feel horrible that my grandma has Alzheimer’s and is in a home. I feel horrible that my family is going through difficult times. I feel horrible that I live inside my head and am not emotionally available for anyone. But, I’m doing what I can, and I’m glad that I haven’t quit!

I’m glad I got this stubborn streak from my grandma. I’m not going to let everything get me down. Life is good and I want to be there for it. Yeah! So…take that, Hopelessness and Despair!  

My late night ranting and raving didn’t make much sense, now did it? Sorry.

I still feel strongly about the subject matter, though.

One of the things that popped into my head last night as I was trying to get to sleep was bariatric surgery. Technically, I’d qualify. I’m more than a hundred pounds overweight, I’m a candidate for diabetes and other diseases, and my life is adversely affected by my weight. In reality, I carry my weight well enough to be able to move and walk and lift weights…and even jog a little. So, really…I’m not in dire straits. However. The show I was talking about earlier had some interesting information in regards to bariatric surgery.

The doctor/researcher they interviewed was saying, in the most simplest of terms, that they have found that our digestive system has a set of nerves of its own and is almost like a second brain. They said that when some people undergo bariatric surgery that it’s not just the fact that their stomach is smaller that helps them lose the weight, but that certain nerves are cut that affect the way the person feels he/she needs to eat.

I’m not a fan of bariatric surgery as a cure-all, and the doctors on the program weren’t either. But, if what they say is true…then, what is the point of me flapping about like a mad woman trying to exercise? Am I fighting a losing battle with just exercise and diet? Is there such a way to change the fundamentals of my behavior with practice? Or will I be successful only to a point and never reach my goal? Is it possible to be both chubby AND healthy? I mean, how extreme will my workouts have to become if I want to be thin and fit? Will I have to workout three hours a day? Will I never have a life beyond working out? If I choose to have a life beyond exercise, will I be relegated to always being the ‘big girl’ and never sharing in what the world sees as a ‘normal life?’ Will I be relegated to being ostracized by my own family because of my size? Or can I have a normal life? Would surgery be the only sure-fire way of getting thin and staying thin?

I don’t know. There are so many variables to being overweight. It’s personal choice, environment, media, personal circumstances, the food industry and advertising, family history and eating patterns, genetics…will I be able to find the right combination for health? Or will I eventually become like my mom and die young anyway, having given it a good go after it was too late? I don’t want to die young. I don’t want to be a sick organism. I want to be strong and healthy, like my grandmother, not letting illness or family genes get me down. But I’m afraid that maybe my parents didn’t feed me right as a kid so I have an unhealthy foundation. What if they did feed me right as a baby and I still have a fighting chance? I want to believe that I have a say in my future and my health, but really…even the healthiest among us get stricken with cancer and diabetes and heart problems. I’ll stick with my dad’s genes and my mom’s mom’s constitution…that what I’ll choose, thank you.

I know this comes off as me whining and being scared…and, frankly, that’s what it is. But, there is also a huge part of me that is stubborn and contrary. I know that I have my mom’s side of the family and their dying of various cancers constantly over me, but there’s nothing that I can do about that except for my part. I hope that Whoever is running The Show will give me a chance to do my part to be healthy and live a full life. I don’t want to believe that my health and longevity is just the luck of the draw, even thought I do understand that there is an element of luck…but there is also an element of control. Like I said before…I’m stubborn enough to choose to believe that, despite what science and the latest medical research says, I have the ability to change the outcome of my future by the choices I’m making now. I just hope that I’m not too late and my fourty-year old self will benefit from what I’m doing now.

Okay…that’s all…for now.