Not Giving Up

Gosh…I’m doing really well at not keeping up with this blog, aren’t I?

 

Well, things are kind of slow in both the weight and inch loss departments. Last time I measured in…I had lost a bit more around the waist, I think…and the bust. But I gained a little in the hips. I forget when that was…but this weekend I’ll be measured again, so we’ll see. At least I haven’t gained in the waist….and that is my main focus anyway. Also, as of this morning, I’m 286. That’s down one pound since my visit to the doctor’s. Yay.

 

Frankly, I think the reason that I’ve been kind of out of the loop was that I overdosed on monitoring myself so freaking closely that I lost sight of what it was I needed to do for myself. Instead of correcting my habits, I freaked out about weight and the numbers. Instead of keeping up my new habits, I reverted to old ones for comfort. Not good. So…I kind of froze and took a break. But now I’m back again.

 

I’ve been on Nutrisystem for the last month and a half, and while it was nice to have meals available for me…I took advantage of having the meals there and snacked on them…binged, rather, is the word. Well…maybe. For instance, I’d have two dinner entrees instead of one…that sort of thing. I knew that I would do that. So, I’m going to bring the food to work to have for lunches and snacks. That will work really nicely because I get in trouble with the snacks available in the lunchroom (chips, candy, cookies, etc) and the delis around here that don’t serve very good food. I need to have my own available. It will also cut down on the amount of food I need to bring to work every day and it will make food less available for easy consumption when I’m home alone. Having to prepare my meals cuts down on my snacking, quite honestly. So…Last night I made myself a chicken breast, heated up some broccoli, and steamed some rice for a very filling and satisfying meal.

 

AND…

 

Tomorrow I will be buying a crockpot (since mine was broken…long story) and some single serving Tupperware containers so I can make a ton of soup or chili or whatever to have for dinner, lunch or the weekends. Yay!

 

AND…

 

I’m going to start keeping a food journal again. When Rachel made me do it, I hated it (which is pretty typical of me…I don’t like people telling me what to do…but I’m working on it for my own sake!)…but I see the value of it and want to start again.

 

AND…

 

I’m adding another day to workout. My neighborhood has some nice hills that I can walk up to boost my heart rate, so I’ve been doing that. It’s a nice 30 minute walk and I usually burn about 400-500 calories. I turn on some awesome dance music and I’m off.

 

AND…

 

I’m refocusing my efforts because I want to succeed even more this coming year. At first I was discouraged by losing twenty pounds in a year…but I had to give myself a little break. Okay, so I spent a year learning the ropes. I learned what it means to workout frequently, I learned what works best for me in terms of eating habits, I learned that I have a long way to go in order to live with compulsive eating habits, I learned that twenty pounds is a lot (try walking with two ten pound weights…it’s hard!!), and I learned that I actually do like to exercise. But now I’m even more determined to lose at least twice as much this coming year. I know what it takes, I know that it’s hard, and I’m ready for it. I’m not promising anything spectacular this year, but I am promising myself that I’m not giving up even if it takes me five years to reach my ultimate goal. Some thirty-five year olds are hot.

Renewed Vision: The Long Winded Version

Happy One Year Anniversary to me! One year ago this week I started to change my life for the better. My ‘conversion moment’ was 9/18/06 when I saw that awful number and since then…I’ve made sure to try to go in the opposite direction. I’m in a better spot now that I would have been if I hadn’t have made the changes I did. So, yay me!

I went to the doctor on Monday to get weighed and talk about why I haven’t lost more weight. With all of my clothes on and in the middle of the day, my weight was 287. *dies a little inside* I thought it was going to be less. The only good thing about all that was that my doctor’s assistant who weighed me was super excited that I lost that much. I was happy to hear that I wasn’t in the 290’s…but I still couldn’t help but feel that I failed myself somehow by not having lost more. I mean, in a year I could have lost at LEAST thirty pounds.

So, the doctor came in and wasn’t sure why I was there even though I already said that I wanted to talk about why I haven’t been losing weight and if PCOS might not be playing a part. I told her that many years ago my gyno diagnosed me with PCOS, and that, subsequently, I read a lot about it…even articles from medical journals. I told her that from what I read, having PCOS makes it harder to lose weight. She said that she’s never heard that, but that being overweight causes PCOS. Then she gave me a fact sheet on it, and it even says on the sheet that PCOS causes weight gain! *sigh* Whatever.

I have to go back to get some blood work done, so hopefully I’ll be able to see what my blood glucose is like and all of that. She did say that even with a twenty pound loss, my body has become more regular. That is, my menstrual cycle has been more regular, and even spot on for the last two months. This is a big deal as for the last four or five years I’ve menstruated probably two or three times a year and never consecutively.

So. There you have it. I’m officially 287 pounds.

Fuck.

And all of a sudden my digital scale decided to work again. This morning I was 285. Better.

I have to say that on top of everything else kicking my butt into gear, this whole thing is sort of the last straw in making more changes. My doctor did recommend that I workout five to six times a week. I’m going to add only one more day to my regimen. I don’t want to pile more on my plate than I can handle and three days a week tires me out already. However, a few things have presented themselves as some good ways to add exercise and the best part is that it involves my friends! Two of the J’s mentioned wanting to do interval running together on weekends. I REALLY want to do Couch to 5K and see it through to the end. And then, two other friends who are not J’s but an M and an N are going to do yoga on Wednesday evenings at my gym. So, I think I’ll join them. I think it would be nice to do it with them.

So, if I do both, that’s five days. Hopefully I’ll see more results.

The NutriSystem has been going well. The best part about it is having dinner available every night, and it’s relatively good. However, when the two months are up, I think that I’d like to pull out my crock pot and duplicate some recipes and have my dinners ready at night. Having dinner already available has made my eating habits healthier and regular. Breakfast and lunch are easy as I can always bring the food and put it together at work since we have a nice kitchen/lunchroom. But dinner always gets me. I get home, sometimes late at night when I work out, and I’m tired and don’t want to fanny with thinking of what to eat. So, I usually snack or eat easy things like cheese sandwiches or something that isn’t so great. Having something good already there is perfect. Warm up the entree, throw some salad in a bowl, toast a piece of bread, slice an apple…voila. Easy.

The other thing I need to put the kibosh on is the extra snacking. At work it’s very easy to just going into the lunchroom and pick something out from the vending machine they have there. It’s more of a snack table, but all the good stuff is there. Candy, chips, cookies, soda, etc. It’s super easy to access and it’s the bane of my existence. Some days I won’t have a problem and stick to the food I bring, but some days I just snack all day from the snack table. It’s becoming less of a problem which is good…but those days that I do snack, I go all out. At least my pop consumption has been drastically reduced. I used to drink at least three Diet Cokes a day. Now I’m down to maybe one or two a week at the most. I also used to drink two to three lattes a day (non fat…but still…it’s coffee), now I have one maybe a couple times a week. Now I’m trying to stick to my ice water. My water bottle holds 32 ounces, so I drink one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. One more if I work out.

Anyway. So there’s an update. I’m trying not to be discouraged. Here are two positives to end with!

Positive #1.

On Sunday I went with two of the J’s to help one find some new frames for her glasses. It was a ton of fun, but I was feeling kinda dowdy. Now…you know how when you look in the mirror and you expect to see yourself looking a certain way? I kept taking quick glances of myself in the mirror when I tried on frames for fun, not taking too long to look. But then I took one good look of myself from the side and I was kind of surprised to see how thin I looked compared to what I was expecting. It was nice.

Positive #2.

Yesterday during my work out I couldn’t stop expressing my frustration with the weight thing. It’s been a WHOLE YEAR and I’ve only lost twenty pounds. Grouse, grouse, grouse. One of the finishing exercises Rachel had me do was do our uphill walk, which is grueling enough (although getting easier…), but she had me carry two ten pound weights this time. Oh my God…I just about died. It was SO HARD. And it was a very good reminder that twenty pounds does make a difference.

Positive #3.

While at the doctor’s office, I realized that the reason I had gone there a year ago this month had hardly been a problem as of late. I had been having digestive problems…like IBS. I still have episodes every now and then, but lately it’s hardly been a problem. In fact, my digestion as a whole has been less of worry for me. Yay!

Positive #4.

Even though I weigh a lot still, I don’t actually FEEL fat anymore. Sure I have my moments of fatness like most people do, but for the most part I FEEL thin. I put my hands on my hips and I’m always surprised by how long it takes me to feel them under my hands. I’m used to having my hips readily available to rest my hands on. I’m also surprised by how close my arms rest to my body. Instead of feeling like they are resting on an inflated balloon, my arms feel more normal…more perpendicular to my body. And I can almost feel a normal waist without the rolls of fat covering it up. I no longer feel the fat spilling over my jeans. I no longer have pants that don’t fit. In fact, most of the pants that I couldn’t wear without feeling like my circulation had been cut off now fit me perfectly…some are even too big. It’s an amazing feeling to have clothes that actually fit. On the bus, I no longer take up one and a half seats. People actually sit next to me now. I can walk down the aisle without turning myself sideways. I feel confidant, and pretty, and I feel as though I could do anything. All of this I feel after only twenty pounds lost….seven inches lost around my waist…I’m a bit overwhelmed by the thought of losing ONE HUNDRED THIRTY pounds more.

And actually…I’ve been rethinking my goal weight. I think that my natural weight is more or less around 170 and not 150. I wouldn’t mind being 150, but I think that weight might be hard to maintain. We shall see, though. So, for now…170 is my goal weight. That means…I really only have 117 more pounds to lose. I like that number a lot better than 130. If I can be a size 12 at 170, I will be a very happy woman. I haven’t been a size 12 since…junior high?

Anyway…that’s it!

Let’s try this…

Soooo. My abs are KILLING ME. My trainer, Rachel, had me doing these absurdly difficult things that inspired many a whine from me. All the same…it hurts in a good way I guess. I swear to God…I have a six pack under all this flab. LOL.

 

Anyhoo. As of the last time I weighed in…I had lost three pounds since the previous weigh in which was a month before that. I think.

 

And previous to that…the weight just doesn’t want to come off.

 

I know this is verging into TMI territory, but hear me out. A couple of days ago Aunt Flow came to visit after a six month absence. This has been the norm for the last year or two. I had been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) many years ago, so irregularity isn’t anything new. But twice a year is a little…ridiculous.

 

One of the ladies in my online weight loss community made a comment about how PCOS could be a reason why my body is having a hard time letting the weight go. Considering all that I’ve read about PCOS being strongly linked to insulin resistance and insulin resistance being linked to being overweight and that whole circle…it made sense to me that PCOS could be playing a negative role here.

 

*lightbulb over head*

 

She mentioned that she has been taking Metformin for PCOS, and it has helped her.

 

So, when I get back from my weekend camping trip, I’ll be making an appointment to go see a doctor and see if maybe I can get fixed up here. I don’t see medication like this as a weight loss solution, but if it helps me become regular and avoid cervical cancer or whatever…please! Gimmie! If it assisted in a little more weight lost, that would be an added bonus of course.

 

As I complained to my trainer last night, I should be seeing just a little more consistency in the weight loss than I have been seeing. I lost a lot of weight at first, but now it’s just not budging. So…that’s that.

 

Overall, the pounds aren’t a measurement of my success and I know that. I’ve lost a good number of inches around my waist, I’m building muscle, my clothes are fitting better/getting baggy, and I feel better. I’m learning new habits and I’m learning the difference between hunger and the need to binge. That’s the measure of my success.

 

However. Weight really is a part of it. So, if that number isn’t changing, then I do need to do something to get it going.

 

So.

 

Yeah. J

Marry me, Dr. Purnell

Whilst searching for the actual Oregonian article that sensationalized the NEJM study, I found this reponse by an associate professor at OHSU. Thank God someone in the medical field responded.

I still think this issue needs to be discussed further in a public forum. And I’m still really pissed.

Oh…and here’s the article that ran in the Oregonian.

OHNOZE!!!!!

According to the New England Journal of Medicine I AM BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. I will make you fat. I am contagious.

Even if their findings are ’scientific’ or ‘accurate’ is still useless information. In the Oregonian yesterday, one of the doctors associated with this study said that it wasn’t his intention to suggest that thin people avoid being friends with fat people…but damn!!! What ELSE is a reader going to assume? Who wants to be fat?

I have never been so pissed in all my life. Even if it’s TRUE…what the FUCK??? As if fat people didn’t ALREADY feel alienated and unloved and  unwanted…now there’s a medical study that confirms the undeniable and concrete proof that we should be sequestered from society because….OH MY GOD WE ARE MAKING EVERYONE AROUND US FAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!

*takes a deep breath*

I half expect an angry, albiet thin, mob to take me away to fat camp or an obesity clinic or whatever the hell…

Fat people don’t need this shit. I say that all fat people should go out in public in skin tight and barely there clothing, sit their fat asses in restaraunt seats and booths and stuff their faces just to spite the New England Journal of Fucking Medicine.

I may be changing my lifestyle to become healthier…but that doesn’t mean that I don’t DEMAND respect as a human being. GOD!!!

Amid the big push to erase intolerance and bigotry aimed towards people of color, religion, and sexual orientation…fat people are still fair game.  I refuse to roll over and take it. I’m here, I’m fat, GET. THE FUCK. OVER IT.

In which I talk about what I know nothing about.

Rant-o-rama.

Call me crazy…

…but I think that I want to pursue a career in medicine. Not sure yet. But, with the books and information I’m learning about my body and how the digestive system works I’m totally fascinated and want to learn more and more. Having worked in the admissions office of the School of Medicine at OHSU, I know that I don’t HAVE to have a science degree to go ahead with this…but…

I dunno. But…I would really love to work with obese people. Because I know what it’s like to be fat, I know what it takes to make the decision to change, and I know how overwhelming it can be to actually go out there and make those changes.

Like I said…call me crazy. But, why not see if it’s something I could do? I feel like I’ve reached a point in my life where I have made some serious decisions about my health and mental well being. Now I need to find something to do with my life that will help people and give me a way to connect with people. Maybe the health field isn’t my cup of tea…but I’d like to at least see.

Dad…for some reason I can already hear you laughing at me!! LOL!

blah blah blah

For the last four days I’ve been practically STARVING. I mean…physically hungry, 24/7. I’ve tried to make sure that I wasn’t just mentally hungry so I wouldn’t overeat. But…daaaaayum!! MAN…I just couldn’t eat enough. This past weekend I didn’t keep a stellar diet, but….that’s def something I’m going to have to work on.

Then I get up this morning, fix my usual yogurt, fruit, and toast…and I’m not hungry. I’m practically choking the food down. WTF, body???

 

I’ve been constantly amazed by how many issues I still have with my self-image. I mean…I thought I had made significant progress towards the ‘acceptance of self’ instead of ‘self-loathing.’ But I’m finding that I’m still in the middle, faced towards acceptance, but not moving anywhere. Weren’t exercise and a healthy diet supposed to help me get a better self-image? Either way, I am easily discouraged these days when I get on the scale and it’s the same fucking number it’s been for the last two weeks. I mean, the scale isn’t the end-all be-all for me…after all, I’ve been losing inches. Even then, I’m not seeing the progress that I saw in the beginning…which means I have to work harder…which means I have to focus more…which means I have to get my life into order…which means I have to sacrifice my time.

 

Rachel’s been pushing me, but I’ve been resistant to push myself. I think that is the next big wall I need to break through. I’m not used to pushing myself, making myself do something that I don’t want to do. I hope that I can be patient with myself and not quit. I won’t really quit…I’ve come this far, it would be stupid to quit. But I often feel like quitting.

 

Anyway. So there are actually two things I need to work on.

A) Eating as well on weekend that I do during the week when I have structure.

B) Pushing myself during my workouts instead of relying on Rachel to push me.

Oh, and…Okay…there will be three things.

C) I need to stop comparing myself to my mother. Just because I came from my mother doesn’t mean I’ve inherited all of her strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps I have hints of those same problems by virtue of being raised by her, and as much as I love her, I am not my mother. This year I’m going to stop clinging to her memory and finally break free. I finally understand what it means to live in the past and why it’s harmful. To live in the past means I’m not living today and I’m not living my own life…and I. Am. Missing. It. So….C) Stop comparing myself to my mother because I’m not her.

 

I have also come to terms with the fact that I may not be as thin as I wanted to be when I turn thirty at the end of the year. What I will be celebrating is entering my thirties with a healthier perspective about my body, and a healthier approach to food and exercise that will last me FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. My life doesn’t begin at some magical number. It begins now. Life begins every morning when I wake up and put on clothes in a size 24. Life begins when I take that first step outside in the morning and face the world. And my life will begin each morning in the future when I’m a size 12. There’s really no difference except for my body size. Regardless of what I look like or how big I am…I am living my life at this very moment. I’ve spent ten years being deeply depressed over my mother’s death and I’m so upset that I missed my twenties and the feelings of freedom and self-discovery that I could have experienced. Well…I’m not going to miss anymore.

 

Raaaaaaage….

I guess I’m more worried about my grandmother than I admit to being. Last night I messed up and binged, big time. Right off the bat, I don’t know why. Maybe it has nothing to do with my grandmother…maybe it has everything to do with my attempt to discover where this behavior comes from in the first place. Maybe I’m digging up feelings that have lain dormant for so long…maybe I’m not as emotionally healthy as I thought I was. Maybe I’m not ready to let go of my mother this year. There are so many reasons for losing control last night that I don’t even know where to start. And, even though I know I’m not alone…I feel incredibly alone and I’m really scared of losing control of whatever it is I think I have control of. This monster of compulsive eating hasn’t gone away at all, and I know that. I’ve just been able to live with it lurking in the corner. Maybe I need to go back to OA. Maybe I need to make getting better my entire focus for awhile. I envision my life consisting of exercise, making meal plans, going to church, reading books, being with people as much as possible, crying a lot, and becoming a person that I can be satisfied with. And I only want my life to consist of creativity and happiness. Right now I feel like such a failure and a fuck-up. I can put a dozen different acronyms and names to what I’m dealing with. ADD, dysthymia, compulsive eating, perfectionism, daddy-issues, PCOS, being an aesthetic eyesore, utter grief…I don’t see these things as diseases that excuse me from taking responsibility for myself, but I see these things as an explanation as to why I’ve never taken responsibility for myself. The light bulb goes on when I can name these things. Okay, so I have ADD…what can I do to live around that? Alright, so I have dysthymia, what are the warning signs and what I can do to prepare myself for it? Compulsive eating…what are my patterns and what can I do to avoid triggers? And so on and so forth.

It’s when all of this hits at once that I start my old thinking cycles. I fucked up. I’m diseased. I can’t do anything right. My family expects better of me. I’m not perfect. I’m a failure. Maybe I should give up now. I’m going to die alone. No one cares about me because I’m a failure. If only I were [fill in the blank] then I’d be wanted and popular and easy to love. And each of these thoughts spawns other cycles of thought until I’m so tangled up and upset that I don’t know what to do other than zone out in front of the T.V. and eat.

Do you see?  I live in my head…this is my reality…and it’s uncomfortable and hard to ignore these cycles and live in the present. I’m successful off and on, but when things get hard, I withdraw into my mind. And this is the carousel I get on.

This time….however….this time I really am facing this beast by keeping this fucking journal. It’s public, yes, but that’s what I want. It’s a public confession, of sorts, like the way Christians used to do in the early days of the Church. Everyone can know my sins, and I don’t care. Know them. This is who I am. This is what I am dealing with. I’m not perfect and I know it, but it’s no excuse to opt out of living. And this is what I’m doing to hack away at my issues so that I can be the best person I can be. I refuse to hide from myself anymore and I’m making myself as vulnerable as I can. By virtue of being online, there is a sense of anonymity that keeps me from being vulnerable to the core, but at least it’s a start.

There is a lot of hurt in me, just like everyone else has hurt, and I’m the kind of person that, even though I’m passive, I can’t live with this for much longer before I feel that I’ll inflict some serious injury on my psyche. Maybe that sounds like psycho-babble, but it’s the truth.  I have to DO SOMETHING.

The best part of all this angst that won’t go away is that it makes it pretty obvious to me that I need to invest myself in my spiritual life…which I haven’t been attentive to in over a year. And…I miss it. I miss confession, I miss prayer, I miss meditating on spiritual writings…I hate feeling so disconnected with that life because I see the value of those things.

So…there you go. I binged. I feel horrible that my grandma has Alzheimer’s and is in a home. I feel horrible that my family is going through difficult times. I feel horrible that I live inside my head and am not emotionally available for anyone. But, I’m doing what I can, and I’m glad that I haven’t quit!

I’m glad I got this stubborn streak from my grandma. I’m not going to let everything get me down. Life is good and I want to be there for it. Yeah! So…take that, Hopelessness and Despair!  

Idiot! Gosh!

I was out of town for the weekend and I did pretty damn well considering all that was going on. Family time is always stressful for me, but this time it was okay…and my eating habits reflected this. I was able to eat sensible meals and not binge. I even went on a couple of walks! The weather was nice and cool, and I really have to say that I miss Central Oregon. At least the nature. I miss the high desert. I miss the sage brush, the juniper trees, the volcanic landscape, the smell of the air after the rain, and my beautiful mountains. It’s different from the valley. In the valley all I smell after a good rain is mold. HAHA.

I don’t think I could ever move back to Bend, though. The place stinks. It’s congested, sprawling, and expensive. Whoever is running the show over there is letting money get in the way of good city planning. The reason everyone wants to live there is the close proximity to unspoiled nature and primitive recreation. With the population exploding like it is and the city boundaries constantly being pushed out…the reason people live there…will be gone. Then you’ll be left with this blemish in Central Oregon where beauty used to be.

I’m so upset about this that it’s all I can think about.

Either way…I left my shoes there. At my step-dad’s house. Idiot! This does give me an excuse to buy new shoes, but I hate breaking them in. It hurts. Maybe this time I’ll get the wider pair of shoes that I almost got last time and have regretted not buying ever since. Maybe that will make my workouts less painful. I dunno…maybe I just have to work through the pain!

I weighed myself this morning…and I think I may have lost two pounds since last week. Woo! My usual weigh-ins are supposed to fall on Sunday mornings, but I didn’t have access to my scale the other day. I can’t just weigh myself on different scales…I mean…the one at the gym reads ten pounds heavier than mine at home. So, while the actual, accurate number isn’t that important to me, I do want to at least see a number, any number, on a scale get lower. Perhaps I should get a lighweight digital scale that I can take with me when I’m gone for the weekends?

Anyway…sorry for the non-weight related rant!