Okay, so it’s been awhile again, yes?

I have sort of stumbled again with the scheduled workouts. With the winter and the dark mornings, comes the reluctance to get out there and workout. It might be a good time to get back to a gym or something. I dunno.

One good thing that I have been doing, however, is riding my bicycle. I don’t think I’ve blogged since I got it, have I? Well, a few weeks ago, I got a used Raleigh Sport for $95. When I say used, I mean, it’s used. I didn’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a bicycle that I wasn’t sure I was going to use, so this one is good for now just to get myself out there. It’s a three speed, probably from the late 70’s/early 80’s, and when I went to get it tuned up the guy said everything on it was stock. LOL So, I had the tires replaced, the brakes replaced…and got the pedal gear thing fixed as it was a bit wobbly. Now it rides like a dream. I’ve always wanted a cruiser type bicycle.

So…I have my helmet, blinky lights, basket and bell…and I ride probably once or twice a week around the neighborhood. Since it’s a three speed, going up hills is kind of hard, but whatever. Once I took a ride before a workout, so I looked silly riding around on a cruiser in my workout spandex.

So, in terms of proper workouts, I’ve only done about two. BUT, both were Week 2 runs! I’m getting used to them and LOVING it. I’m learning, however, that I really need to find the best running posture for my body in order to keep it up. What helps is strength training, so I really need to step that up, too.

One hurdle that I can’t seem to get over right now is getting up early for my two weekday workouts. I could do it at night, I suppose…but I like getting it out of the way first thing. It just seems to set the tone for the day.

And I’m still working on eating better. I’ve upped my anti-depressant dosage, and I just started working with a “health coach” through my insurance provider. It’s actually really awesome…they work with people with depression to self manage their lives and get back on track. It’s all over the phone, and they check up on you to make sure you’re reaching your goals and stuff. I haven’t had a proper session yet, but I got the booklet and it looks like it could be helpful. I’m also looking for a counselor to start seeing at least once a week for awhile. I think that I’m finally ready to get some help.

Anyway…life is good. I’m good. Getting back on track and all that good stuff.

It’s been…a year and a half. I moved this blog over to LiveJournal and kept up with it for a few months and then it just fell by the wayside.

I haven’t given up exercising, as I’ve been doing it pretty much twice a week with my trainer. I haven’t given up eating well, even though I don’t do it as much as I should. 

The most important thing that’s changed in the last year and a half has been my mental state. Without going into too much detail, I’ve been dealing with depression for about ten years or so. I never really thought it was as disabling as it really was…but I really had no life and no desire to change that. Imagine sitting around in your house all the time…isolated, alone, listening to the cyclical negative self talk in your head, wondering why in the hell you can’t stick with something and see it through…that was my life. No wonder I gained so much weight during those years. I hated myself and I hated myself for not being able to change it. Granted, I did try lots of things…therapy, counseling, religion, exercising…and they all worked for a time, but I was just unable to do my part so they never worked.

About six months ago I was getting into some hot water at work regarding my attendance and performance, and I realized that I couldn’t afford to being going up and down like I was. My doctor prescribed a very lose dose of antidepressants and my life literally changed. I resisted taking meds because I didn’t want a false sense of happiness or no feelings at all…I wanted to feel more than just self-loathing and deep sadness. So, I started taking them, and my outlook on life started to change. After awhile, I noticed that those negative voices in my head were so quiet that I didn’t need to drown them out with television or music or food…I noticed that I actually wanted to go out with friends…I noticed that I said “yes” more often to new things…I noticed that I was beginning to make that connection between thinking and action.

Needless to say, since exercise and fitness is 90% mental exertion, I noticed that my workouts became better and I was trying harder and focusing more. I no longer felt like I was pulling teeth trying to get myself to work…and I started to really crave the workouts. However, I also recognized that when I wasn’t working out with my trainer, I wasn’t working out. This was a problem, but I didn’t think much about it. My trainer was my foundation, why should I leave something that important to me?

About a month ago, I started therapy. It’s kind of an unconventional kind of therapy that I won’t really go into here, but it’s been really, really helpful in getting me off my ass and working on fixing some things in my life that are severely broken.  My finances, for one, are in shambles and I’m not in a position to do much of anything that I really want to do…like buy a car, go on trips, etc. So, my therapist, S, started helping me get it together, and he strongly suggested that I cut my trainer to save money. I agreed to do it for a month or two just to get my head above water, but I knew I’d need her eventually.

Then I started thinking about it. What if I didn’t need her at all? What if I was using her to avoid taking responsibility for my own health? I mean…when I was with her, I didn’t really need to be thinking about what I was doing aside from good form. Wasn’t the whole point of hiring her to learn from her and then eventually go out on my own? R and I talked about it, and when she said the same thing…I knew that I probably wouldn’t hire her back…that I would be doing this on my own. She will still be my cheerleader, and she’s an awesome one, and she will still be my friend…but she taught me well, and now it’s my turn. It’s my body, and I have complete control and freedom over what I do with it. I need to claim that.

So, after a week of not doing much beyond a few walks here and there…I finally decided that if I didn’t force myself to do a workout, I’d never do it. So, I decided that Saturday (this past Saturday) I’d go out on my own at 7.30 am like R and I would always do, and kick my own ass. I didn’t have much of a plan, but I knew that I needed to do some strength training and that I wanted to tackle Couch to 5K again

Saturday morning came. The night before I had planned to sabotage myself by not setting my alarm. Whoooops. No matter, I naturally woke up at 7 a.m. Figures, right? I laid there, staring at my clock, snuggled under my down comforter with one cat at my feet and the other on my chest and I very seriously contemplated just not doing it and getting more sleep. Something in me, however, blew a whistle and said NO. If you don’t do this now, you will feel like you’ve failed yourself. You have the control and freedom to get out there and give it your best shot. You’ll be so proud of yourself if you do. Don’t you want to change things? Don’t you want to get out there and LIVE?

I actually listened to the voice, got up, put my workout uniform on, got some water, downloaded a podcast for my jog…and headed outside. I live next to a school with a huge field. I figured that I could some exercises there, and then just jog around the field. That way I don’t have far to go. With Madonna’s Confessions on the Dancefloor pumping away in my ears, I did a long warm up walk around the huge block that the school is on, and then came back where I noticed a set of metal stairs. Perfect for climbing! So I went up and down about five times. Yeah…my butt and legs felt that one.

At that point, my old friend, Arch Pain, came by…and my feet started to hurt really bad. Whenever I do lunges, stair steps, anything where I stomp my feet in any capacity, my feet protest LOUDLY. Still, I pushed on and did those lunges, ten for each foot. Then I did twelve pushups using a wire cage protecting a water pump nearby, and followed with about fifteen squats. I shook out my feet, tried stretching them (bring tears to my eyes), and did that circuit again. It was very hard, there was good pain…but there was the bad pain in my feet. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do my interval run. I started walking around to stretch my feet again, and immediately the foot pain eased up and went away. But as soon as I stopped and stood, the pain was back.

So.

I turned on my Week 1 podcast for C25K and started in. No foot pain. I did the first sixty seconds of jogging, and I expected my feet and shins to tighten up like they usually did…but it never came. Ninety seconds walking. It was cold out, felt good. Jog. Walk. Jog. Walk. By the time the fourth set came and went, I was kind of freaked out in a good way that I was feeling really good about this. I was pacing myself, controlling my breathing, had great form, remembering everything my trainer had told me. The sixth set came by and I started to grin…I knew that I was going to finish it. Yes, I was tired, my legs were tired, but not enough to stop. The FINAL set came and went…and I was done. I finished. No unusual bad pain…just super high. I laughed to myself, and smiled the entire cool down and back home. I did my stretching, ate a high protein breakfast, showered…and I just couldn’t believe that I actually did it.

So…with one victory under my belt, I’ve been thinking ahead about what to do for the next workout (which just happens to be tomorrow morning). I’ve been looking up various body weight exercises to do, and thinking about getting some resistance bands. Maybe I could focus on one section of my body per session…upper body on Saturdays, lower body on Mondays, core on Wednesdays. I’m excited for this…and convinced that I can do it. There is no reason NOT to.

And, of course, now that I’m excited about working out again…my thoughts turn to a dream goal. Doing a triathalon. No…not “when I’m thin” but when I’m ready. Depending on when I get a bike and decide that I can sacrifice having awesomely dyed hair so I can swim. We’ll see.

Tomorrow morning I’m planning doing the same things as Saturday, except adding one more round to my circuit.

Well, it’s been…way too long since my last entry. Needless to say, I am way off track. Two things happened that didn’t make it any easier to stick with my program. One was the holidays. I know, that’s not really an excuse…but it is to me, so, stick it. Haha. The second was a real excuse, and that was that I had emergency surgery to take my appendix out. That happened a few days before New Years, and it knocked me out for three weeks. So, about two weeks of holiday crap, and then three more weeks of recuperation from surgery…that’s FIVE WEEKS of no activity. I’ve since then started back with my weekly training sessions with R, but it’s been like pulling teeth trying to get myself to exercise between sessions. And, I’ve been feeling it.

I feel fat, lethargic, self-conscious, and depressed again.

The fact that I gained an inch around my waist isn’t any consolation.

I’m at this point where I really need to make a solid decision and stick with it. Either give up and weep and eat, or work my ass off again.

Everything that I’ve been doing to pass the time really needs to be secondary at this point. I’m not giving them up at all, they just need to be secondary. First priority after work is to exercise and have a healthy dinner. Second priority will be my hobbies and whatnot. The question in my mind is…do I want to go to the gym? Do I want to stick around my neighborhood? Or do I want to make my way to the track again?

I think a combination of all three might be a good thing.

So here’s a preliminary idea of what I have in mind for myself.

Monday: Meet with R for session.

Tuesday: Walk home from work (it’s a good 45 minute walk).

Wednesday: Gym for weights and cardio after work.

Thursday: Light 30 minute walk.

Friday: Rest.

Saturday: Field trip! YMCA track, OHSU hill, or hiking. Strength exercises at home. Alone or with friends.

Sunday: Rest.

As far as food goes, I’m slowly working towards a standard meal plan for the week and another for weekends. I’m going for calorie restriction for now, balancing protein, complex carbs, and fat. So far, I’ve fallen flat on my face numerous times…but, at least it’s getting back to thinking about what I’m consuming.

I just need to realize that this whole plan is TEMPORARY. I need to understand that it will, it has to change in time if I want to be successful. Once I reach my goal, then it’s all about maintenance. This is both comforting and a little scary.

This past year, one of the biggest obstacles in front of just going for broke in terms of weight loss (‘cause, let’s face it…I have the power to make the right decisions and to exercise), is that I wasn’t sure I really WANTED to lose the weight. Losing the weight would mean unwanted attention, maintaining moderation, and becoming socially “acceptable.” I would no longer be invisible or have license to eat whatever I wanted. People would look at and treat me differently as a thin person than as a fat person. And I was afraid that I would look at fat people differently, too. That I would become arrogant and preachy about the dangers of being fat. I hate people like that.

Like most of my fears, these are probably never going to come to fruition. And if they do? So what? I’ll deal with them when they arise.

So…here’s to tweaking my lifestyle again.

Gosh…I’m doing really well at not keeping up with this blog, aren’t I?

Well, things are kind of slow in both the weight and inch loss departments. Last time I measured in…I had lost a bit more around the waist, I think…and the bust. But I gained a little in the hips. I forget when that was…but this weekend I’ll be measured again, so we’ll see. At least I haven’t gained in the waist….and that is my main focus anyway. Also, as of this morning, I’m 286. That’s down one pound since my visit to the doctor’s. Yay.

Frankly, I think the reason that I’ve been kind of out of the loop was that I overdosed on monitoring myself so freaking closely that I lost sight of what it was I needed to do for myself. Instead of correcting my habits, I freaked out about weight and the numbers. Instead of keeping up my new habits, I reverted to old ones for comfort. Not good. So…I kind of froze and took a break. But now I’m back again.

I’ve been on Nutrisystem for the last month and a half, and while it was nice to have meals available for me…I took advantage of having the meals there and snacked on them…binged, rather, is the word. Well…maybe. For instance, I’d have two dinner entrees instead of one…that sort of thing. I knew that I would do that. So, I’m going to bring the food to work to have for lunches and snacks. That will work really nicely because I get in trouble with the snacks available in the lunchroom (chips, candy, cookies, etc) and the delis around here that don’t serve very good food. I need to have my own available. It will also cut down on the amount of food I need to bring to work every day and it will make food less available for easy consumption when I’m home alone. Having to prepare my meals cuts down on my snacking, quite honestly. So…Last night I made myself a chicken breast, heated up some broccoli, and steamed some rice for a very filling and satisfying meal.

AND…

Tomorrow I will be buying a crockpot (since mine was broken…long story) and some single serving Tupperware containers so I can make a ton of soup or chili or whatever to have for dinner, lunch or the weekends. Yay!

AND…

I’m going to start keeping a food journal again. When Rachel made me do it, I hated it (which is pretty typical of me…I don’t like people telling me what to do…but I’m working on it for my own sake!)…but I see the value of it and want to start again.

AND…

I’m adding another day to workout. My neighborhood has some nice hills that I can walk up to boost my heart rate, so I’ve been doing that. It’s a nice 30 minute walk and I usually burn about 400-500 calories. I turn on some awesome dance music and I’m off.

AND…

I’m refocusing my efforts because I want to succeed even more this coming year. At first I was discouraged by losing twenty pounds in a year…but I had to give myself a little break. Okay, so I spent a year learning the ropes. I learned what it means to workout frequently, I learned what works best for me in terms of eating habits, I learned that I have a long way to go in order to live with compulsive eating habits, I learned that twenty pounds is a lot (try walking with two ten pound weights…it’s hard!!), and I learned that I actually do like to exercise. But now I’m even more determined to lose at least twice as much this coming year. I know what it takes, I know that it’s hard, and I’m ready for it. I’m not promising anything spectacular this year, but I am promising myself that I’m not giving up even if it takes me five years to reach my ultimate goal. Some thirty-five year olds are hot.

Hey folks! So…latest weigh-in reveals *drumroll*

Tomorrow I will have new measurements.

Overall things have been really good. My motvation has returned and I’m full speed ahead. I’m beginning to push myself a little more during my workouts. Sure I’m complaining a lot more, but…at least I’m making sure that I work my muscles instead of just doing the motions.

I decided to put my jogging on hold. My shins protested…loudly. As did my arches. ‘S okay, though, I’m going to try it again in about a month or so when I’m a little lighter. I’m hoping to meet up with a couple of other women in the area who are doing the Couch to 5K program as well and train with them. I’d like to enter some races eventually, just for the fun of it.

Right now…my biggest motivator is my trip to Australia and New Zealand next year. I want to be fit enough to do all the physical stuff…like hiking, scuba diving, etc. I definately have that in mind when I’m working out.

That, and pancakes with strawberries on top. Hahahaha!!

Seriously though. The trip is very real for me…not just a dream or something I’m just thinking about. So…yay!

So.

Things are going well over here. Not much to report. My deep depressive episode has passed, thank God. Turns out that the oft-absent Auntie Flo was soon to make an appearance. Her visits always throw me and I end up surprised by my irrational outbursts and murderous urges.

Anyway. TMI.

So. Things are running smoothly…like a well-oiled engine. Or…in my case, like an old engine that needs an oil change. For the most part I’m plugging away, trying to eat well, exercise four times a week (three w/ trainer, once out on my own). I’ve lost seven pounds since April 15th, and a few inches. So…it’s not like things suck and I’m getting fatter. I just have to take one day at a time and then move on.

And…to be honest…one day at a time is pretty uneventful! LOL.

I have a confession to make. I found motivation in something completely ridiculous. Have you ever seen “Pumping Iron?” Aside from the fact that Arnie Schwarzenegger is HYSTERICAL in it, and aside from the fact that bodybuilding as a sport is something I don’t get…I was actually quite motivated by the film. These men really push themselves beyond the pain in order to achieve their physical goals, and that’s what motivated me. Because I’m afraid of pain…of feeling anything that smacks of the tiniest possibility of pain…I’m finding that I’m hard pressed to push myself during my exercises. Like I’ve whined about before, I’m getting the feeling that Rachel is pushing me more than I’m pushing myself and that makes me uncomfortable. If I can find a way to embrace the pain (I know, it sounds cheesy), I really feel like I would have a tool I could use to push myself so that my workouts don’t become a series of weak attempts at dodging having to really work hard. So, thanks Arnie, you old bastard, for helping me find the motivation I need to keep going on my weight loss journey.

The stats updates, I mean. If you’re reading this and the stats are getting old, sorry! This is the only place I’m writing this stuff down at…so…you can skip if ya wanna.

I had Friday off thanks to the holiday on Monday, so J and I walked the butte. Man, J books it up the butte! Geez. Well, part of my slow-pokedness was due to the fact that I a) am still fat, b) just bought new walking shoes, and c) was wearing polyester novelty socks instead of thick cotton athletic socks. It sounds like such a small thing, but athletic socks really make all the difference. Also?? The weather that day was threatening rain, so I bought this rain coat thing that was too small (my inches lost victory deflated a bit there) and way too uncomfortable. So, I stopped to tie the thing around my waist and I put my water bottle on the stone wall next to the road. On the other side of the wall was a straight drop down the butte. There was a fleeting thought that I should have listened to that said “I bet my water bottle is going to fall.” It did. And I had literally just bought the thing moments before! Irritating.

Let’s just say that there was a lot of stopping to adjust my socks and shoes and rain coat…it was just overall an irritating walk.

No matter, I felt that I did alright. On Saturday, however, my whole upper body was sore and tight…probably from the weight training on Thursday. Today is better. But it’s back to the butte…or gym…for more work tomorrow. Woo!

Stats for Saturday

Exercise Time: 55 minutes

Average HR: 149

Time in Zone: 51 minutes

Calories Burned: 791

Okay. Now it’s time for church again. Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, so tonight is Forgiveness Vespers. I kinda don’t want to go but…I need to regain my spiritual endeavors.