Renewed Vision: The Long Winded Version

Happy One Year Anniversary to me! One year ago this week I started to change my life for the better. My ‘conversion moment’ was 9/18/06 when I saw that awful number and since then…I’ve made sure to try to go in the opposite direction. I’m in a better spot now that I would have been if I hadn’t have made the changes I did. So, yay me!

I went to the doctor on Monday to get weighed and talk about why I haven’t lost more weight. With all of my clothes on and in the middle of the day, my weight was 287. *dies a little inside* I thought it was going to be less. The only good thing about all that was that my doctor’s assistant who weighed me was super excited that I lost that much. I was happy to hear that I wasn’t in the 290’s…but I still couldn’t help but feel that I failed myself somehow by not having lost more. I mean, in a year I could have lost at LEAST thirty pounds.

So, the doctor came in and wasn’t sure why I was there even though I already said that I wanted to talk about why I haven’t been losing weight and if PCOS might not be playing a part. I told her that many years ago my gyno diagnosed me with PCOS, and that, subsequently, I read a lot about it…even articles from medical journals. I told her that from what I read, having PCOS makes it harder to lose weight. She said that she’s never heard that, but that being overweight causes PCOS. Then she gave me a fact sheet on it, and it even says on the sheet that PCOS causes weight gain! *sigh* Whatever.

I have to go back to get some blood work done, so hopefully I’ll be able to see what my blood glucose is like and all of that. She did say that even with a twenty pound loss, my body has become more regular. That is, my menstrual cycle has been more regular, and even spot on for the last two months. This is a big deal as for the last four or five years I’ve menstruated probably two or three times a year and never consecutively.

So. There you have it. I’m officially 287 pounds.

Fuck.

And all of a sudden my digital scale decided to work again. This morning I was 285. Better.

I have to say that on top of everything else kicking my butt into gear, this whole thing is sort of the last straw in making more changes. My doctor did recommend that I workout five to six times a week. I’m going to add only one more day to my regimen. I don’t want to pile more on my plate than I can handle and three days a week tires me out already. However, a few things have presented themselves as some good ways to add exercise and the best part is that it involves my friends! Two of the J’s mentioned wanting to do interval running together on weekends. I REALLY want to do Couch to 5K and see it through to the end. And then, two other friends who are not J’s but an M and an N are going to do yoga on Wednesday evenings at my gym. So, I think I’ll join them. I think it would be nice to do it with them.

So, if I do both, that’s five days. Hopefully I’ll see more results.

The NutriSystem has been going well. The best part about it is having dinner available every night, and it’s relatively good. However, when the two months are up, I think that I’d like to pull out my crock pot and duplicate some recipes and have my dinners ready at night. Having dinner already available has made my eating habits healthier and regular. Breakfast and lunch are easy as I can always bring the food and put it together at work since we have a nice kitchen/lunchroom. But dinner always gets me. I get home, sometimes late at night when I work out, and I’m tired and don’t want to fanny with thinking of what to eat. So, I usually snack or eat easy things like cheese sandwiches or something that isn’t so great. Having something good already there is perfect. Warm up the entree, throw some salad in a bowl, toast a piece of bread, slice an apple…voila. Easy.

The other thing I need to put the kibosh on is the extra snacking. At work it’s very easy to just going into the lunchroom and pick something out from the vending machine they have there. It’s more of a snack table, but all the good stuff is there. Candy, chips, cookies, soda, etc. It’s super easy to access and it’s the bane of my existence. Some days I won’t have a problem and stick to the food I bring, but some days I just snack all day from the snack table. It’s becoming less of a problem which is good…but those days that I do snack, I go all out. At least my pop consumption has been drastically reduced. I used to drink at least three Diet Cokes a day. Now I’m down to maybe one or two a week at the most. I also used to drink two to three lattes a day (non fat…but still…it’s coffee), now I have one maybe a couple times a week. Now I’m trying to stick to my ice water. My water bottle holds 32 ounces, so I drink one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. One more if I work out.

Anyway. So there’s an update. I’m trying not to be discouraged. Here are two positives to end with!

Positive #1.

On Sunday I went with two of the J’s to help one find some new frames for her glasses. It was a ton of fun, but I was feeling kinda dowdy. Now…you know how when you look in the mirror and you expect to see yourself looking a certain way? I kept taking quick glances of myself in the mirror when I tried on frames for fun, not taking too long to look. But then I took one good look of myself from the side and I was kind of surprised to see how thin I looked compared to what I was expecting. It was nice.

Positive #2.

Yesterday during my work out I couldn’t stop expressing my frustration with the weight thing. It’s been a WHOLE YEAR and I’ve only lost twenty pounds. Grouse, grouse, grouse. One of the finishing exercises Rachel had me do was do our uphill walk, which is grueling enough (although getting easier…), but she had me carry two ten pound weights this time. Oh my God…I just about died. It was SO HARD. And it was a very good reminder that twenty pounds does make a difference.

Positive #3.

While at the doctor’s office, I realized that the reason I had gone there a year ago this month had hardly been a problem as of late. I had been having digestive problems…like IBS. I still have episodes every now and then, but lately it’s hardly been a problem. In fact, my digestion as a whole has been less of worry for me. Yay!

Positive #4.

Even though I weigh a lot still, I don’t actually FEEL fat anymore. Sure I have my moments of fatness like most people do, but for the most part I FEEL thin. I put my hands on my hips and I’m always surprised by how long it takes me to feel them under my hands. I’m used to having my hips readily available to rest my hands on. I’m also surprised by how close my arms rest to my body. Instead of feeling like they are resting on an inflated balloon, my arms feel more normal…more perpendicular to my body. And I can almost feel a normal waist without the rolls of fat covering it up. I no longer feel the fat spilling over my jeans. I no longer have pants that don’t fit. In fact, most of the pants that I couldn’t wear without feeling like my circulation had been cut off now fit me perfectly…some are even too big. It’s an amazing feeling to have clothes that actually fit. On the bus, I no longer take up one and a half seats. People actually sit next to me now. I can walk down the aisle without turning myself sideways. I feel confidant, and pretty, and I feel as though I could do anything. All of this I feel after only twenty pounds lost….seven inches lost around my waist…I’m a bit overwhelmed by the thought of losing ONE HUNDRED THIRTY pounds more.

And actually…I’ve been rethinking my goal weight. I think that my natural weight is more or less around 170 and not 150. I wouldn’t mind being 150, but I think that weight might be hard to maintain. We shall see, though. So, for now…170 is my goal weight. That means…I really only have 117 more pounds to lose. I like that number a lot better than 130. If I can be a size 12 at 170, I will be a very happy woman. I haven’t been a size 12 since…junior high?

Anyway…that’s it!