Stats

Have I told you that I’ve lost four inches from my hips? I am now able to pull off my jeans without unzipping them. They still stay on…thank the Lord. I can’t afford new jeans right now.

Oh.

And, I’ve lost several inches from my waist and chest…although I can’t remember the exact number right now.

Just thought I’d let ya’ll know.

ETA: 2.3 inches lost around my chest, 3 around my waist. w00t!

ETA: 2 inches from my upper arm, 2 from my calves, 2.25 from my thighs.

Never thought I could do it.

Dad, you’re not going to approve. Hehe.

I ran today. Well…jogged. Slowly. In between stretches of brisk walking. I’m starting the Couch to 5K program, and today was Day One of Week One. I had to stop twice to stretch, but that’s totally okay with me. I’m not doing this to injure myself! So, I took it slow, found my stride, and I felt really good afterwards.

Yay!

stuff

So.

 

Things are going well over here. Not much to report. My deep depressive episode has passed, thank God. Turns out that the oft-absent Auntie Flo was soon to make an appearance. Her visits always throw me and I end up surprised by my irrational outbursts and murderous urges.

 

Anyway. TMI.

 

So. Things are running smoothly…like a well-oiled engine. Or…in my case, like an old engine that needs an oil change. For the most part I’m plugging away, trying to eat well, exercise four times a week (three w/ trainer, once out on my own). I’ve lost seven pounds since April 15th, and a few inches. So…it’s not like things suck and I’m getting fatter. I just have to take one day at a time and then move on.

 

And…to be honest…one day at a time is pretty uneventful! LOL.

 

I have a confession to make. I found motivation in something completely ridiculous. Have you ever seen “Pumping Iron?” Aside from the fact that Arnie Schwarzenegger is HYSTERICAL in it, and aside from the fact that bodybuilding as a sport is something I don’t get…I was actually quite motivated by the film. These men really push themselves beyond the pain in order to achieve their physical goals, and that’s what motivated me. Because I’m afraid of pain…of feeling anything that smacks of the tiniest possibility of pain…I’m finding that I’m hard pressed to push myself during my exercises. Like I’ve whined about before, I’m getting the feeling that Rachel is pushing me more than I’m pushing myself and that makes me uncomfortable. If I can find a way to embrace the pain (I know, it sounds cheesy), I really feel like I would have a tool I could use to push myself so that my workouts don’t become a series of weak attempts at dodging having to really work hard. So, thanks Arnie, you old bastard, for helping me find the motivation I need to keep going on my weight loss journey.

 

Life doesn’t suck, but it sure as hell feels like it.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written an entry, and to be honest, I don’t really feel like it. To be completely really honest…I’m sick and tired of thinking about all of this. While this does NOT mean I’m qutting, this DOES mean I’m in a very bad mood. I’ve tried to keep myself on the up and up, but lately I’m just so tired and depressed…I can’t fake it ’till I make it.

Yesterday Rachel (bless her) tried to help me sort things out, but I was mostly quiet, trying to think about why I was sick of doing this when it’s been obviously so good for me. We came to the conclusion that a couple of things are coming into play. #1. My job is getting REALLY stressful, and it’s getting to be more than I can handle. Usually I’d eat to cope. This brings me to #2. I am no longer eating to cope anymore (well…trying, anyway…sometimes it just happens, but less often than normal), therefore I’m left with stress and hating my job.

Now that I know this…I hope to begin making some changes. Food is no longer my security blanket, and I refuse to revert back to operating that way. So…I need an alternative. I hope to enjoy the challenge.

I’ve also been contemplating going on meal plans like Jenny Craig or something. But, really…I don’t think that would help me in the long run. My main concern about these changes is to foster a lifestyle that I can maintain for the rest of my life. If I can’t or don’t want to do something until I’m 80, then I’m not going to go down that road. That means…no boxed meals, no shakes, no pills, no bars (as a general rule, although I do eat them in a pinch), no starving, no mad exercing that I couldn’t maintain, etc. I’m doing this the hard way, and I have to recognize this. I have to give myself some slack because this is an overhaul on my ENTIRE LIFESTYLE. This is not going to be a walk in the park…emotionally speaking because walks in the park are included in this new lifestyle.

So…I’m totally and overwhelmingly stressed. Okay. So, how do I deal with this? Maybe I need to bring a pair of tennis shoes to leave at work so that I can take a brisk walk outside for fifteen minutes or something. Maybe that is one way to take a deep breath, and regroup. My weekend excursions into forested areas have become a drug to me, that’s for sure. It’s an awesome way to decompress from the week. So, I’m keeping that. But…during the week…I think short walks during the my work day might be just what I need to cope. I’m going to try.

So…I’m down, but certainly not out. There is a lot of whining and crying coming from my general direction, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve been defeated.

Also, tonight my friend Jane and I are taking my godmother/her grandmother out to dinner for her birthday. I bought a beautiful vase of flowers. It will be so nice to think about someone else besides myself tonight. The place where we are going, Lebanese restaraunt, will have a lot of healthy choices. So…yay!

Being sick has it’s benefits

a day of the flu, and i’m five pounds lighter!! woooo!!

Weigh-Over

So, last night, after being really irritated about the whole weight situation, I realized that there probably wouldn’t be much difference because the evening before I had sushi for dinner. The sodium was probably not helping.

So, this morning I weighed again after a day of eating normally. That would be THREE pounds lost since 4/23. Still nothing to sneeze at, but at least a more significant change than before.

THE END.

What else do you want from me body????

So, I did my Sunday weigh in this morning. I don’t think I was supposed to…I think I was supposed to have waited for Rachel to tell me to do it. I only lost one pound since 4/23. It’s irritating. I know that I haven’t been perfect with my eating habits, but I really feel as though I’m making positive changes and I’ve been learning new habits. I’ve even been losing inches consistantly So…why can’t my body weightcome along with me here?

My body needs an attitude adjustment.  Or something.

Yesterday two of my friends and I went for an invigorating outing in Washington Park/Hoyt Arboretum. It’s a beautiful area, and the terrain varied enough to make it a great workout for me. I don’t know about the other two girls…but it got my heartrate up. All in all, we were out for about two and a half hours with a good half hour or fourty five minute break for lunch and bathroom break and the occassional stop to take pictures. According to my heart rate monitor, I was in my heartrate zone for a little more than an hour. So, that was good, and I burned about 1500 calories over the entire time we were out on the trail. Yay!

Even though I’m still IRRITATED about this lack of WEIGHT LOSS, I am really, really enjoying these weekend treks into nature. Last week a couple friends and I went out hiking, and now this weekend…it’s hard at times for me to keep up, but I’m having a tremendous amount of fun getting out of the freaking house. I hope that I can continue with it well into the fall. Hell…even into the winter. There are a couple of awesome books that I’d like to buy. One is about a ton of different walks and hikes around Oregon, at the coast, in the mountains, and even within the city!

Anyway…*sigh* We trudge onwards, yes? I’m exhausted.

blah blah blah

For the last four days I’ve been practically STARVING. I mean…physically hungry, 24/7. I’ve tried to make sure that I wasn’t just mentally hungry so I wouldn’t overeat. But…daaaaayum!! MAN…I just couldn’t eat enough. This past weekend I didn’t keep a stellar diet, but….that’s def something I’m going to have to work on.

Then I get up this morning, fix my usual yogurt, fruit, and toast…and I’m not hungry. I’m practically choking the food down. WTF, body???

 

I’ve been constantly amazed by how many issues I still have with my self-image. I mean…I thought I had made significant progress towards the ‘acceptance of self’ instead of ‘self-loathing.’ But I’m finding that I’m still in the middle, faced towards acceptance, but not moving anywhere. Weren’t exercise and a healthy diet supposed to help me get a better self-image? Either way, I am easily discouraged these days when I get on the scale and it’s the same fucking number it’s been for the last two weeks. I mean, the scale isn’t the end-all be-all for me…after all, I’ve been losing inches. Even then, I’m not seeing the progress that I saw in the beginning…which means I have to work harder…which means I have to focus more…which means I have to get my life into order…which means I have to sacrifice my time.

 

Rachel’s been pushing me, but I’ve been resistant to push myself. I think that is the next big wall I need to break through. I’m not used to pushing myself, making myself do something that I don’t want to do. I hope that I can be patient with myself and not quit. I won’t really quit…I’ve come this far, it would be stupid to quit. But I often feel like quitting.

 

Anyway. So there are actually two things I need to work on.

A) Eating as well on weekend that I do during the week when I have structure.

B) Pushing myself during my workouts instead of relying on Rachel to push me.

Oh, and…Okay…there will be three things.

C) I need to stop comparing myself to my mother. Just because I came from my mother doesn’t mean I’ve inherited all of her strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps I have hints of those same problems by virtue of being raised by her, and as much as I love her, I am not my mother. This year I’m going to stop clinging to her memory and finally break free. I finally understand what it means to live in the past and why it’s harmful. To live in the past means I’m not living today and I’m not living my own life…and I. Am. Missing. It. So….C) Stop comparing myself to my mother because I’m not her.

 

I have also come to terms with the fact that I may not be as thin as I wanted to be when I turn thirty at the end of the year. What I will be celebrating is entering my thirties with a healthier perspective about my body, and a healthier approach to food and exercise that will last me FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. My life doesn’t begin at some magical number. It begins now. Life begins every morning when I wake up and put on clothes in a size 24. Life begins when I take that first step outside in the morning and face the world. And my life will begin each morning in the future when I’m a size 12. There’s really no difference except for my body size. Regardless of what I look like or how big I am…I am living my life at this very moment. I’ve spent ten years being deeply depressed over my mother’s death and I’m so upset that I missed my twenties and the feelings of freedom and self-discovery that I could have experienced. Well…I’m not going to miss anymore.