Woo!

Today my friends and I went hiking for four hours. It was AWESOME. Granted we stopped a couple of times for a snack break, but I felt like I got a good workout. It was a so-called ‘easy’ trail, and more than once I was breathing heavy climbing over things and what not. No matter…I really want to continue doing this sort of thing. Go outside, get out of town, and be active.

I love it. And the scenery was beautiful.

Raaaaaaage….

I guess I’m more worried about my grandmother than I admit to being. Last night I messed up and binged, big time. Right off the bat, I don’t know why. Maybe it has nothing to do with my grandmother…maybe it has everything to do with my attempt to discover where this behavior comes from in the first place. Maybe I’m digging up feelings that have lain dormant for so long…maybe I’m not as emotionally healthy as I thought I was. Maybe I’m not ready to let go of my mother this year. There are so many reasons for losing control last night that I don’t even know where to start. And, even though I know I’m not alone…I feel incredibly alone and I’m really scared of losing control of whatever it is I think I have control of. This monster of compulsive eating hasn’t gone away at all, and I know that. I’ve just been able to live with it lurking in the corner. Maybe I need to go back to OA. Maybe I need to make getting better my entire focus for awhile. I envision my life consisting of exercise, making meal plans, going to church, reading books, being with people as much as possible, crying a lot, and becoming a person that I can be satisfied with. And I only want my life to consist of creativity and happiness. Right now I feel like such a failure and a fuck-up. I can put a dozen different acronyms and names to what I’m dealing with. ADD, dysthymia, compulsive eating, perfectionism, daddy-issues, PCOS, being an aesthetic eyesore, utter grief…I don’t see these things as diseases that excuse me from taking responsibility for myself, but I see these things as an explanation as to why I’ve never taken responsibility for myself. The light bulb goes on when I can name these things. Okay, so I have ADD…what can I do to live around that? Alright, so I have dysthymia, what are the warning signs and what I can do to prepare myself for it? Compulsive eating…what are my patterns and what can I do to avoid triggers? And so on and so forth.

It’s when all of this hits at once that I start my old thinking cycles. I fucked up. I’m diseased. I can’t do anything right. My family expects better of me. I’m not perfect. I’m a failure. Maybe I should give up now. I’m going to die alone. No one cares about me because I’m a failure. If only I were [fill in the blank] then I’d be wanted and popular and easy to love. And each of these thoughts spawns other cycles of thought until I’m so tangled up and upset that I don’t know what to do other than zone out in front of the T.V. and eat.

Do you see?  I live in my head…this is my reality…and it’s uncomfortable and hard to ignore these cycles and live in the present. I’m successful off and on, but when things get hard, I withdraw into my mind. And this is the carousel I get on.

This time….however….this time I really am facing this beast by keeping this fucking journal. It’s public, yes, but that’s what I want. It’s a public confession, of sorts, like the way Christians used to do in the early days of the Church. Everyone can know my sins, and I don’t care. Know them. This is who I am. This is what I am dealing with. I’m not perfect and I know it, but it’s no excuse to opt out of living. And this is what I’m doing to hack away at my issues so that I can be the best person I can be. I refuse to hide from myself anymore and I’m making myself as vulnerable as I can. By virtue of being online, there is a sense of anonymity that keeps me from being vulnerable to the core, but at least it’s a start.

There is a lot of hurt in me, just like everyone else has hurt, and I’m the kind of person that, even though I’m passive, I can’t live with this for much longer before I feel that I’ll inflict some serious injury on my psyche. Maybe that sounds like psycho-babble, but it’s the truth.  I have to DO SOMETHING.

The best part of all this angst that won’t go away is that it makes it pretty obvious to me that I need to invest myself in my spiritual life…which I haven’t been attentive to in over a year. And…I miss it. I miss confession, I miss prayer, I miss meditating on spiritual writings…I hate feeling so disconnected with that life because I see the value of those things.

So…there you go. I binged. I feel horrible that my grandma has Alzheimer’s and is in a home. I feel horrible that my family is going through difficult times. I feel horrible that I live inside my head and am not emotionally available for anyone. But, I’m doing what I can, and I’m glad that I haven’t quit!

I’m glad I got this stubborn streak from my grandma. I’m not going to let everything get me down. Life is good and I want to be there for it. Yeah! So…take that, Hopelessness and Despair!  

Idiot! Gosh!

I was out of town for the weekend and I did pretty damn well considering all that was going on. Family time is always stressful for me, but this time it was okay…and my eating habits reflected this. I was able to eat sensible meals and not binge. I even went on a couple of walks! The weather was nice and cool, and I really have to say that I miss Central Oregon. At least the nature. I miss the high desert. I miss the sage brush, the juniper trees, the volcanic landscape, the smell of the air after the rain, and my beautiful mountains. It’s different from the valley. In the valley all I smell after a good rain is mold. HAHA.

I don’t think I could ever move back to Bend, though. The place stinks. It’s congested, sprawling, and expensive. Whoever is running the show over there is letting money get in the way of good city planning. The reason everyone wants to live there is the close proximity to unspoiled nature and primitive recreation. With the population exploding like it is and the city boundaries constantly being pushed out…the reason people live there…will be gone. Then you’ll be left with this blemish in Central Oregon where beauty used to be.

I’m so upset about this that it’s all I can think about.

Either way…I left my shoes there. At my step-dad’s house. Idiot! This does give me an excuse to buy new shoes, but I hate breaking them in. It hurts. Maybe this time I’ll get the wider pair of shoes that I almost got last time and have regretted not buying ever since. Maybe that will make my workouts less painful. I dunno…maybe I just have to work through the pain!

I weighed myself this morning…and I think I may have lost two pounds since last week. Woo! My usual weigh-ins are supposed to fall on Sunday mornings, but I didn’t have access to my scale the other day. I can’t just weigh myself on different scales…I mean…the one at the gym reads ten pounds heavier than mine at home. So, while the actual, accurate number isn’t that important to me, I do want to at least see a number, any number, on a scale get lower. Perhaps I should get a lighweight digital scale that I can take with me when I’m gone for the weekends?

Anyway…sorry for the non-weight related rant!

Talking to myself and feeling old…

On the surface things have been great. I’ve been working out regularly with my trainer, Rachel, and I’ve been aware of the food I’m eating and keeping notes. I should be proud of myself, and I should be happy…but in the last week or so I’ve been feeling really shitty. Well, maybe shitty isn’t the right word…but just, off kilter. Things aren’t right. Maybe I’m too aware of my body or something, but I feel like I’ve changed so much that I don’t feel right in my own skin. In reality you probably can’t tell that I’ve really made any changes just by looking at me even though I can show you the numbers. Nonetheless…I feel different and I feel uncomfortable. I just don’t feel right. And I’m more insecure now than I was at 305 pounds.

This is an odd place to be for me, and while I don’t have any intention of giving up at all,  I’m really uncomfortable and out of sorts. I’ve never been this active for this long, and I’ve never had to tell myself ‘no’ when I wanted to eat. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t like feeling this way. But it’s all for my health and my future.

This too shall pass.

Today’s Workout

So, it’s been awhile since I posted something about my workouts.

They are going really well and I’m the biggest baby in the world. Haha. But I love working out in the park, even in the rain, because it feels like I’m really doing something useful.

Well, my heart monitor agreed with my workout today. Check it out, yo!

Exercise time: 1 hour 1 minute

Average HR: 143

Time in Zone: 57 minutes

Calories Burned: 1021 (!!!!!)

I had a bowl of my chicken tortilla soup and I’m still STARVING.

Disjointed Rant: Part Deux

My late night ranting and raving didn’t make much sense, now did it? Sorry.

 

I still feel strongly about the subject matter, though.

 

One of the things that popped into my head last night as I was trying to get to sleep was bariatric surgery. Technically, I’d qualify. I’m more than a hundred pounds overweight, I’m a candidate for diabetes and other diseases, and my life is adversely affected by my weight. In reality, I carry my weight well enough to be able to move and walk and lift weights…and even jog a little. So, really…I’m not in dire straits. However. The show I was talking about earlier had some interesting information in regards to bariatric surgery.

 

The doctor/researcher they interviewed was saying, in the most simplest of terms, that they have found that our digestive system has a set of nerves of its own and is almost like a second brain. They said that when some people undergo bariatric surgery that it’s not just the fact that their stomach is smaller that helps them lose the weight, but that certain nerves are cut that affect the way the person feels he/she needs to eat.

 

I’m not a fan of bariatric surgery as a cure-all, and the doctors on the program weren’t either. But, if what they say is true…then, what is the point of me flapping about like a mad woman trying to exercise? Am I fighting a losing battle with just exercise and diet? Is there such a way to change the fundamentals of my behavior with practice? Or will I be successful only to a point and never reach my goal? Is it possible to be both chubby AND healthy? I mean, how extreme will my workouts have to become if I want to be thin and fit? Will I have to workout three hours a day? Will I never have a life beyond working out? If I choose to have a life beyond exercise, will I be relegated to always being the ‘big girl’ and never sharing in what the world sees as a ‘normal life?’ Will I be relegated to being ostracized by my own family because of my size? Or can I have a normal life? Would surgery be the only sure-fire way of getting thin and staying thin?

 

I don’t know. There are so many variables to being overweight. It’s personal choice, environment, media, personal circumstances, the food industry and advertising, family history and eating patterns, genetics…will I be able to find the right combination for health? Or will I eventually become like my mom and die young anyway, having given it a good go after it was too late? I don’t want to die young. I don’t want to be a sick organism. I want to be strong and healthy, like my grandmother, not letting illness or family genes get me down. But I’m afraid that maybe my parents didn’t feed me right as a kid so I have an unhealthy foundation. What if they did feed me right as a baby and I still have a fighting chance? I want to believe that I have a say in my future and my health, but really…even the healthiest among us get stricken with cancer and diabetes and heart problems. I’ll stick with my dad’s genes and my mom’s mom’s constitution…that what I’ll choose, thank you.

 

I know this comes off as me whining and being scared…and, frankly, that’s what it is. But, there is also a huge part of me that is stubborn and contrary. I know that I have my mom’s side of the family and their dying of various cancers constantly over me, but there’s nothing that I can do about that except for my part. I hope that Whoever is running The Show will give me a chance to do my part to be healthy and live a full life. I don’t want to believe that my health and longevity is just the luck of the draw, even thought I do understand that there is an element of luck…but there is also an element of control. Like I said before…I’m stubborn enough to choose to believe that, despite what science and the latest medical research says, I have the ability to change the outcome of my future by the choices I’m making now. I just hope that I’m not too late and my fourty-year old self will benefit from what I’m doing now.

 

Okay…that’s all…for now.

Fat

So…I have lost more inches, and gained one or so. Even then I still feel really fat. Fatter than before. It may be just my body getting used to the changes…but I hate feeling so insecure and…flappy. And even though I’ve been losing inches, I haven’t been losing much weight. I don’t know…I’m trying not to think about it and enjoy my workouts and make better choices from day to day. So…check it out. Like always, the inches lost are from my last measurement (3/27) with totals in parenthesis.

Neck: -.55 (-.55)

Upper Arm: -.5 (3)

Forearm: 0 (-.5)

Chest: +1 (-.75)

Waist: -1 (-3)

Hip: +.5 (-2)

Thigh: -.5/-.5 (-2/leg)

Calf: -.75/-.25 (r -1/l -.5)

MY SOAPBOX!!

la la la

Poor Rachel. She’s gonna have to hear me blab on about myself for the next…well, however long it takes me to reach my goal. LOL. I think I talked her ear off yesterday.

 

Yesterday’s workout was awesome. The only problem is with my stupid feet…they hurt so bad! The stuff she had me doing was fine, but my feet were just killing me. I should go to the doctor…but from all the feedback I get from others who are overweight and workout…it is probably just something that comes with the territory. I think I’m going to get a different pair of shoes, though. Mine are too narrow.

 

Anyway…so here are some stats!

 

Workout time: 55 minutes

Average HR: 143

Time in Zone: 37 mins

Calories Burned: 805

 

We did some measurements, too. Mostly good! I mean…not bad in spite of a two week slump. I forgot to take a copy of the results with me, so here’s what I think they were.

 

Neck: -1

Chest: +.5

Waist: -1

Hips: +.5

 

I think my limbs stayed the same. So…overall, 1.5 inch loss since last time. I’m a bit amused by the fact that I lost an inch in both my neck and waist, but gained in the chest and hips. Someone told me not long ago that as we lose weight, it’s not always a consistent loss all over the body. 

 

Yay. I guess.

I think I’m going to quit the gym.

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I’ll be honest and say that in the last couple of weeks, I didn’t want to do anything exercise related. I’ve spoiled myself by having a really great personal trainer, and I guess that I didn’t feel like doing anything by myself. It’s a lame reason not to at least go out and take a walk, but there you go. Funny thing is, I don’t really feel all that bad about it. In fact, I enjoyed the break. Hehe. I’ll even go so far as to say that the break did me good…mentally speaking, because yesterday I was really ready to exercise!

 

Since my trainer doesn’t work at the gym anymore, we’ve moved our sessions outside! We’ll be meeting three times a week for an hour. So, Rachel and I met up at the park yesterday evening. It was nice and chilly, but at least it didn’t rain. I was a bit apprehensive about working out in public public because at least in a gym, everyone is there to work out. At a park, people are there to relax and enjoy the scenery…and I hardly think a sweaty fat chick is a part of that. (yes, I JEST) Because it was cold and wet out yesterday, no one was really around, so it wasn’t that bad. I hope that by the time the weather gets nice, I’ll either be a) thin enough or b) confidant enough to not mind working out in public.

 

It was a weird session, though. I felt like I was working hard…like, I was putting effort into it, but I didn’t FEEL like I was working hard. Maybe the chill numbed my muscles or something because I am SORE today. And I stupidly forgot to push ‘start’ on my heart monitor. Gah! Oh well. I’m back tomorrow for more.

 

As far as diet goes, I’ve been mostly good. I’ve had my moments, to be sure, such as, Pascha (Orthodox Christian Easter). Mounds of food! Mounds of dessert! You best believe that I partook most heartily. Other than this weekend, though, I’ve been fairly good on my diet. For the last few months I’ve been working on portion control, still learning what is a normal meal and what is too much. I’m getting the hang of it, but I visited a fast food restaraunt. Only once, though! My huge craving for ice cream has not subsided, but I’ve also not given in to my desire to get a gallon and eat it all in one sitting. A couple weeks ago I was at the store and saw these teeny tiny little servings of Ben and Jerry’s in the ice cream section. They’re like, the perfect size. About 200 calories each, so even then it’s a lot. But, I can eat the whole thing and not overdo it. I bought three and they lasted a couple weeks. Yay for me! To give you an idea of my progress, six months ago I fancied a whole pint to be a serving. So, anyway, the point is, I have a friggin’ huge learning curve.

 

Last summer when I went to visit my dad and stepmom at my stepmom’s mom’s house, my stepmom’s mom (there’s gotta be an actual term for that relationship) gave me an awesome Crock-Pot recipe book. I’ve never been able to use it…UNTIL NOW. I finally bought a Crock-Pot. Most of the recipes are just made of meat and vegetables, so HEY. Healthier eating, plus leftovers. And I don’t have to actually be there to watch it cook. There might be an issue with the excess of potatoes, in the interest of eating in line with the glycemic index, but right now I need to learn the basic habit of cooking food for myself as opposed to eating fast food. If I need to, I’ll cut out potatoes later.

 

Another sign of victory. These last two weeks, while I did feel pokey and fat again, I must have done something good. This morning I threw on my jean jacket and it was feeling a little loose. Usually it’s pretty snug and I can only button the top three ‘cause my hips and stomach have been so big. Well, this morning I could button the last two! Around my hips! It was a little tight, but I didn’t have to force the jacket to fit around my hips in order to button the last button. Woo! I couldn’t do THAT two weeks ago.