holly carp!

My diet yesterday was 50% great! And 50% horrifying.

  

 

For breakfast I had a cup of my step-dad’s granola (whole oats, cranberries, pumpkin seeds, protein powder…a little bit goes a very long way) with low fat milk and a low fat chocolate milk to drink. Don’t ask why…I just wanted chocolate milk. Then I decided that for my morning break I wanted peanut M&M’s. So, I had a bag. Then for lunch, I had a grilled chicken breast I had brought from home and a salad with low fat vinaigrette. And then…I decided that I needed more chocolate. So, I got another bag of peanut M&M’s. Then in the afternoon I had my good snack that I brought from home, one of those mini cheese things from Babybel. AND I HAD ANOTHER BAG OF M&M’S. I didn’t really realize how horrible this was until I looked in my trash can and saw three empty bags of M&M’s. I was super disappointed, but I resolved to move on and have a good dinner. Well…I got home and all I could hear in my head was ‘Pizza.’ So I got a medium pizza.

 

I’m so ashamed to admit that I ate most of it. And I literally still feel gross today.

 

My first instinct is scream ‘What the fuck is wrong with me!!!???? I’ve been doing so well!!!’ and tear out my hair and flog myself with barbed wire. But that won’t get me anywhere except on a one way road to Despression, aka

Binge
City. I refuse to go there, and I refuse to feel guilty.

 

So…I confess that I did NOT have a good day yesterday, and I resolve to do better today. (Orthodox Christianity has prepared me well for doing this, actually. The idea of confession and making an earnest resolve to change…even if you end up making a mistake. It’s a constant cycle of confession, making a resolve, messing up, confession…etc.)

 

I have lost six pounds in the last two weeks or so, and this is great. I’m going to lose another pound this week, and another and another. I know that I’ll continue to stumble and fall, but I’m going to just get right back up again and move forward. Giving up is not an option.

 

In an effort to make up for these slip-ups that I commit every so often, I’m going to need to sneak in an additional workout day. So far I’m limiting myself to three days a week just because I get burned out so easily. But, I have a three day weekend, so…really? I could be working out five days a week. So, I think that on Saturdays I’ll go to the gym to lift weights and do cardio. It’ll just be a matter of getting up and going no matter what time of the day it is. I sometimes try to rationalize not going because I wake up so late and feel as though I’ve already wasted half the day and exercise will waste more time. But really? What would exercise take away from? Sitting around and watching TV? That’s bullshit. So…whether or not it’s 9 a.m. or three in the afternoon…that’ll be the first thing I do after I wake up.

 

So. My week should look like this.

 

Monday: Walk the butte /w J.

 

Tuesday/Thursday: Get my ass kicked by Trainer Lady.

 

Saturday: Kick my own ass at the gym no matter what time of the day it is.

 

When it starts to stay light out past seven o’clock, I’m kind of tempted to drive over to J’s neck of the woods and walk the butte after work on Wednesdays and Fridays. By the time that happens I might have this exercise thing worked out enough to be able to handle that load.

 

I’m sort of concerned about routine, though. Would this sort of schedule be varied enough so my body doesn’t get used to it? Is that whole idea a myth? Must ask Trainer Lady.

 

Also? I’m kinda concerned about my recent addiction to my heart rate monitor. LOL! Seriously, I panic if I can’t find it when I’m ready to go workout (the watch is usually nuzzled in the toe of my sneaker or in some random pocket of my gym bag). It’s up there with my cell phone in terms of which gadgets I can’t live without.

 

That’s all folks!