That bump in the road…

I’ve hit it. But I’m determined not to be discouraged. I’m going to keep going.

I’ve gained two pounds this week. At least I’m still under 290. But damn if I didn’t see it coming a million miles away!! I’ve let myself eat more than one bad meal or not eaten enough to make my body go ‘what the hell is this girl doing?? let’s pack it on boys.’ LOL.

However…if my measurements are correct (I never know if I’m doing it right week to week), I’ve lost an inch around my waist which I swear I can feel, and a half inch around my hips. My arms and legs have stayed the same. But…dammit, I wanted to lose inches, and here I am. So…fuck the weight this week. My clothes appear to be fitting instead of getting tighter. So…that’s huge. That’s great.
Still…I do need to refocus this week on ahdering to my meals plan and actually getting off my ass to prepare my breakfasts and lunches the day before for work. And, I need to bite the bullet and cook dinner! I’ve either gone without, snacked a little, or went all out.

And, for sanity’s sake, I’m not going to have sweets in the house. Not even diet ones. I binge on those no matter what and those add up.

On the exercise front, I really want to work towards hitting the gym before work twice a week and then either hiking various buttes or hills on the weekends, or hitting the gym. At least on Saturdays and Mondays.

So, one of my LJ groups is doing a November challenge which will actually last through New Years. My goal for this challenge is to work out more often, like I said above. I can do it. It’s just a matter of being prepared for it and not letting things go until the last minute the night before.

/pep speech. ;P

Update

So, I joined the gym. *lets out large breath*

Emo

Thinking about weight loss and the changes I’ll expect to see. To be honest, I don’t expect to see dramatic physical changes right away because I carry my weight really well…I mean, the people I’ve told my highest weight to have each said that I don’t look like it. But, I pack the weight it really dense…uh, ly? Is Densely a word? Well, my word program didn’t highlight, so I suppose it must be. Hm. Anyway…I can almost feel the fat crowding my innards and muscles and stuff. Yuck.

In a way, I’m a bit discouraged, not by losing weight, but by possibly not having this huge sparkly transformation by losing twenty pounds. I mean…I’ve lost twenty pounds already…but I don’t feel it in my clothing nor do I see it in my body. I know, I know. Not everyone has the same physical results after losing twenty pounds. Still…

At any rate…even though I can see that my efforts are indeed fruitful, I have a hard time imagining myself being thin. It’s hard to envision myself taking up any less space than I do now…fitting into smaller clothes…not squeezing into airplane seating (although, this may be a problem for anyone not anorexic, the way the airlines keep reducing their seat sizes), etc.

Maybe I shouldn’t look at it that way. Maybe I shouldn’t try to imagine it at all? I know that visualization helps some people. I just don’t want to fixate on the visualization so much that it eventually doesn’t mean anything to me. So, perhaps I should just stay away from it?

On my refrigerator, I’ve put up a picture of myself from nearly ten years ago when I was around 220-ish pounds…I still don’t like the way I look in the picture (mostly because of the garish shirt). But, it’s definitely a motivator for me. At least my stomach is poking out like it is now. I took my ‘before’ pictures over again, and I don’t know if it’s the camera angle (I had to use a timer, so it’s not set on the best surface) but holy effin’ hell I look like a tick. *cries*

However…now that I think about it, I’m sure I have a picture of me at even 200 pounds. It’s of me with my friend Natasha while I was in Russia…I think March or so of 1997. And I’m not much larger than she is (which is saying a lot) I had lost fourty pounds while I was there, and I love the way I look in the picture. My pants were falling down at that point, I had lost so much weight. See…while I was there, I actually noticed the loss. I could feel my waist…instead of rolls. Hehe. Anyway…I think I’ll put that picture up instead. I’m not wearing make up and I look good…that’s an awesome goal to have. Getting thin enough to be able to go without makeup and not look like my face is closing in on itself. LOL!!

Anyway, back to my point. I also put up a collage of words and images that are in my mind when I think of the state of my body I am working towards. ‘Eat to live’ ‘I’ll keep running’ etc…and it has been helpful. My favorite is from an ad for sugar free cookies or something, but I loved the sentiment. The words say something to the effect of ‘What the tabloids say is true. Sugar and I are no longer together.’ Lol!! Love it.

I’m rambling.

I had a good lunch today. Spicy Korean teriyaki chicken w/ veggies and rice from the café downstairs…and some chocolate milk. Okay…so the chocolate milk was a bad choice (that little carton was two servings!! I didn’t realize it until I recorded it in SP.), but it satisfied my chocolate desires. So…it’s either have chocolate milk or have a bag of M&M’s. I’d rather have chocolate milk. Makes me feel like a kid. J hehe. Ideally, I’d like to curb my chocolate cravings altogether. Baby steps.

I have a lot to be grateful for. My church for keeping me grounded, my BFF for being in the same boat as I am and wanting to get out with me, the fabulousness which are my new peeps in 100poundswl and 100pounds2lose, and the director of the day to day which is Spark People. I have great friends to whom I’m a horrible bitch and hardly keep in contact with, great family to whom I am and do the same, a job that keeps me in an apartment and living well, my sweet cat who greets me when I come home with a curious little meow. I could go on, but that would be boring.

Needless to say that I’m doing really well, even though yesterday and today I’ve been only ever so slightly on edge in regards to goings on at work. Oh, and playing LOTR: Return of the King on PS2. As much as I love playing, I get so stressed out when I can’t get past a certain level on the first go. Let’s all say it together, m’kay? Perfectionist!!

Holy Crappin’ Hell

My scale must be a little on the ‘eager’ side or something. My official Monday morning weigh-in is *drumroll*

285.

WOW. That can’t be right….

Actually, the needle fluctuated between 286 and 284 depending on how I had to bend down to look. So, with as little movement as possible, it was most stable at 285.

I wonder if that was the dissapearence of the period bloat?

I certainly didn’t have perfect days this week. I mean, for cripe’s sake, I had eggs benedict for brunch yesterday followed by half a ‘like it’ size ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery. Doesn’t mean I’m going to take license and eat this stuff all the time…I’m just…surprised. Maybe the little stroll to the restaraunt and back home helped?

Anyway. Since last week, I’ve lost four pounds.

So…considering that my dietary habits made a slip into my usual compulsive eating mode a few times this week, I’ve done okay. I mean, I’ve exercised a lot, thanks to J’s insistence, and I’ve done better at following my planned meals and such.

So not only have I lost pounds, but I’ve also lost inches. A couple of inches around the waist, half an inch around the hips, an inch around the thighs, etc. So, that’s awesome.

I still can’t beleive that I’m actually losing weight. I never thought that I would have it in me to stick with it as long as I have. OA has helped, as well as having a friend who is doing the same thing as I am. Having a wieght loss buddy has proven to be more valuable to my own success than I thought it would.

So…there you go.

One More Pound! :)

today, a coworker from heaven granted me my wish. She belongs to that one gym that stays open twenty-four hours a day, and received these promotional cards to give out to friends and family. Membership for twenty-four bucks a month and no extra initiation or processing fees. Heck yes, I’m joining!! At the gym two blocks from work, they have a swimming pool. A SWIMMING POOL. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. As fat as I am, I’m not embarrassed enough in a swimming suit to avoid swimming. I don’t care. I love swimming laps. It doesn’t get my heart rate up as much as walking and jogging does (or as J calls it…wogging…)

So…I figure…on the days I don’t want to go home and walk alone in the dark, I can go to the gym, stick my headphones in my ears and sweat away. On the days that J comes over or I go over to her house, then I won’t go to the gym. Easy.

I found this swell item at Tarzhay on Friday. It’s a kind of pedometer for your iPod. You put this remote sensor in your shoe (there are specific shoes you can buy that have a little hole under the sole-thingy made for the sensor, but it works just fine for me tucked at the side of my shoe), plug in the tiny receiver to your iPod and start walking! It tells you how fast you’re going, how far you’ve been going, how many calories you’ve burned, etc. And every so often a voice comes on over the music to tell you how you’re doing. Very handy. The only things it can’t take into account are your pulse or how many calories you burn walking uphill. Which is what I try to do a lot. I may be walking 31 minutes a mile, but I’m walking uphill the whole way!! Luckily, Spark People has a ‘hiking’ option under their fitness trackers. Hauling my big fat ass up a hill is the best workout ever. Guaranteed to burn at least four hundred calories over a forty-minute period. Or more…maybe.

What I’d really like to get is this thing that my dad has. It’s a watch, but you can put your thumb on this little tiny sensor and it takes your pulse and tells you how far you’ve gone, how many calories you’ve burned and that sort of stuff. I called him a million years ago about it…but haven’t heard back.

My new goal for the week is to take a walk everyday, no matter how long or vigorous. But to just do it everyday. I need to reach my ‘calories burned’ goal more often. I’ve been doing better with the food…staying within my allotted calorie goals and all. I messed up once last week. Went WAY over all of my goals for the day. But the rest of the week I did fantastically. Then, again, last night I just couldn’t be bothered enough to fanny with any of it. So, I let myself go for the day, with the intention of not doing it again. I know I might slip again, but I need to be vigilant. I want to approach it with the idea of never doing it again.

I lost one more pound this last week!!

Ponderin’

For I have been making bad food choices this week. Not neccessarily going over my calorie/fat/carb/etc goals…but I haven’t been eating much, and what I have eaten has been pretty crappy. Half a cupcake here, bag of goldfish crackers there…nothing of substance. Now I feel tired and not well. At least I know, right? I can’t wait to get paid on Thursday. I’m SO going shopping with my Spark People grocery list in hand. They have these stages that you go through…and I’m in the second stage. And my calorie/fat/carb/etc has been lowered. I guess now I need to really get serious, huh? I really hope that I can make a habit of preparing my breakfasts and lunches the day before. That would make life so much easier. It would suck to have to rely on the restaraunts and cafes near work…they don’t always have the best choices.

My compulsions haven’t been so bad lately. Mostly because I’m beating them to it. Heh…heh….*waaaah!* But…I figure that I shouldn’t have to cut myself off completely from something sweet every so often. I want to learn moderation. But…for a compulsive eater like me…should I attempt tempting myself with ‘moderation’? Or am I just setting myself up for failure?

The smart thing to do would be to bring the second loaf of pumpkin bread I made this weekend to work for everyone to eat. As much as I hate the idea of giving away food…I can’t have it in the house. I’m already almost halfway through the first loaf. *sigh* My only saving grace right now is OA. As cliche as a twelve step program seems to me, I can see that there is hope for healing. So…that’s exciting.

I finally took my ‘before’ pictures of myself last night. That was slightly depressing. Me big girl!! hehe. I just want to take progress pictures. The next set will be fourty pounds from now. Ideally, I’d like to take pics of myself every fifty pounds. I hope I can remember. But, that would be really encouraging.

And I’d also like to have small goals to work for. Small goals of five pounds. Five at a time. Or ten. But I think five would be best. It would be awesome to lose five pounds a month. That way I’m not working towards goals that might seem unattainable and daunting.

So…that’s all for now.

Stop the Presses!!!

In spite of my slip ups in diet, my official Monday weigh-in saw positive results. Or negative. I am down two more pounds. It’s hard to believe, but I’m sure the exercise helped get those two pounds off. I’m now one pound away from breaking the 290’s. That was my first goal.

I really feel like my goal is attainable right now. I hope I can keep this attitude up and keep these goals at the forefront of my mind and my daily life.

In a way, I’m kind of scared. I mean, I’m making my body do something to lose weight, and now that it actually is…I’m like, ‘Hey…that doesn’t happen. My body never listens to me. I must be doing something wrong.’ I’ve got to get away from that thinking. I WANT to get this weight off…I’m doing this INTENTIONALLY. I can’t be afraid and scared my whole life of the unknown.

/pep talk.

Carry on!!!

EDIT: I forgot to add that yesterday I prayed the Akathist Hymn to the All-Holy Theotokos in Honor of Her Wonder-Working Icon ‘Unexpected Joy.’ I needed some encouragement and lifting up. I guess she really does help, yeah? Thank God…it was just what I needed.

GAH!

I’m SOOOOOO sososo tired. I’ve been walking pretty much every day this week and while it’s been much needed (for reasons I’ll expound upon in bit) I’m really exhausted. I might need to slow down a little. But, the problem with that is because I started walking with really bad shoes and hurt my feet and legs I already walk slow. So, if i slow down any more I won’t be exercising. Gah!

Well. At least I lost another pound this week. That’d good.

Yes.

It is good.

Because I ate really badly this week. I kinda went crazy on the sweets this week. At work. Blech. Someone had a birthday and everyone thought it would be nice to bring lots of cake and donuts. So, of course, I had to have some. And then some. And then there were leftovers.

Last night was the worst. I wanted to gorge on something so bad that I was on the verge of tears. My mind kept racing and thinking about the closest place I could get some chips or ice cream or something. Anything. Instead, I did go get some food, but I only got a sandwich, baked potatoe, and a smoothie. Not what I wanted, and not the best food choice, but it was dinner at least. I mean…sheesh, I DID need to eat dinner.

Anyway….I’m kind of down this week in general. I think I’ll go say a prayer or two for myself and this crazy sad world and then have breakfast.

Shtuff

I went to another OA meeting today. This time there were a lot more people, and it was great to meet everyone and hear their stories. That’s my favorite part of the meeting is hearing what people have to say about their particular struggles. There were a few people who weren’t even overweight as I would define it, but they still struggle with compulsive eating. Amazingly I’m not bitter about the fact that it doesn’t show.