So, I’ve written before about being fat, needing to lose weight, and my resolves to try and do so. But, I don’t think I ever really meant to do anything about it. That is, I never felt a sense of urgency to really get going on any one plan of mine.
However.
I think I finally understand the seriousness of my current lack of health. While I should all accept my body as it was made, there is no excuse for neglecting basic rules for health and a sense of responsibility for self-control. I think I realize that now. Sitting in the doctors office yesterday, seeing these huge numbers for my weight and BMI, I realized that I was in trouble. While weight and BMI certainly aren’t the bottom line for how healthy I am, those numbers coupled with a general feeling of ill health and depression pretty much means that I’m not healthy and that I’ll probably die young if I don’t change now. I don’t think I will ever achieve any of my life goals and dreams until I can set my physical health as my number one priority. A future that involves a couch and TV and rolls of fat on my hips makes me want to cry, so I need to do this.
Even though I’m totally upset about all this, I don’t hate or loathe myself. Of course there are moments when I’ll see a picture of myself or catch an unflattering glimpse of myself in a mirror or window reflection and feel ashamed, but I don’t loathe my very existence anymore. And this is really good! This is where I always wanted to be before I made a serious commitment to lose weight. I didn’t want to lose weight to look good in clothes or be attractive to the opposite sex…I wanted to lose weight because I wanted to something good for myself. So…now that I’m here…I need to get rolling. And that’s the hard part.
Since I can’t say I’ve ever dieted or anything before, I’m coming at this with pretty much no idea where to start. So…I’m going to seek help. I contacted my health insurance provider about medical help (nutrition information and such) and I want to join a group to get emotional support .
Now, I do want to keep a record of my progress and setbacks. Since I already have a habit of writing in an online journal, all of my thoughts will be posted in this new journal: all the particulars of weight loss, my actual weight, BMI, and emotional fucked-up-edness. All this stuff is quite intimate information, but I need a place to write them down…keep track…be accountable to. So…this is it. I hope to find a community of other bloggers who are tracking their own journeys…it would be nice to have a wee community.
It’s kind of fitting that today is the season premiere of The Biggest Loser. I don’t think I’ll lose weight as quickly as they are, but…it may be possible. I just want to learn some new habits that I can keep up with for the rest of my life instead of hitting it hard and not being able to sustain it.
Anyway…that’s all!! Here’s to losing half of me.
