What I Did This Summer

Hehe…sort of. It was certainly hot this weekend…UNREASONABLY hot. Click on the cut to read more.

*squee!*

Check it out, yo! New theme. It’s purty.

I’m really looking forward to taking a nice walk today. My iPod’s charged and it looks like it’s nice and sunny out. But…and this is key…it’s not hot!!

Food is my friend!

Yesterday was a mix of good and bad. I had a good breakfast…one of my faves. Raw veggies and a bit of cheese. The bad part was that I also had a Sobe No Fear energy drink….130 calories….34g of carbs….33 of which are sugar. I guess it could have been worse…I could have had a floofy coffee drink like I usually do. I did well for lunch w/ a salad topped with half of a hard boiled egg and strips of grilled chicken. Afternoon I got the munchies…and I consumed a snack bag of ritz cheese crackers and two Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Blech. Dinner was delicious and my friend Tempestua was kind enough to have brought it over. Chicken enchiladas! They weren’t smothered in cheese or were overly greasy, so it was pretty yummy. She also brought dessert: two fig newtons for each of us. Cute! Then…when T left, I slipped into my compulsive eater mode. I got out a bag of tortilla chips and the guacamole I made and started to eat…but, the victory in this was…I stopped before I ate all of it. This is big, folks. Usually if a bag of chips is nearing empty (but still has enough to last a little while), I’ll finish it off in one sitting. With my mouth full, I looked to the food and I just felt sick. So, I stopped. I could have felt really guilty about eating in secret…like I usually do…but this time, I was really proud of myself that I was able to get a hold of myself this time and stop. 

Tempestua and I did take a nice walk yesterday, too. A brisk 20 minute walk. And it felt like nothing. I mean that in a good way. It didn’t feel hard or daunting or anything. 

Saturday I’m going to tackle the butte for the first time. It’s behind T’s house, and she’s walked it…I guess it’s really hard, and so that’ll be really good. 

Today after work I will take another twenty minute walk, which will end up at the grocery store for fresh lettuce and a chicken breast for dinner. The walk back will be about ten to fifteen minutes…so in all, I’ll have taken a half hour walk. 

I can do this.

Can I Do This?

So, I’ve written before about being fat, needing to lose weight, and my resolves to try and do so. But, I don’t think I ever really meant to do anything about it. That is, I never felt a sense of urgency to really get going on any one plan of mine.

However.
I think I finally understand the seriousness of my current lack of health. While I should all accept my body as it was made, there is no excuse for neglecting basic rules for health and a sense of responsibility for self-control. I think I realize that now. Sitting in the doctors office yesterday, seeing these huge numbers for my weight and BMI, I realized that I was in trouble. While weight and BMI certainly aren’t the bottom line for how healthy I am, those numbers coupled with a general feeling of ill health and depression pretty much means that I’m not healthy and that I’ll probably die young if I don’t change now. I don’t think I will ever achieve any of my life goals and dreams until I can set my physical health as my number one priority. A future that involves a couch and TV and rolls of fat on my hips makes me want to cry, so I need to do this.

Even though I’m totally upset about all this, I don’t hate or loathe myself. Of course there are moments when I’ll see a picture of myself or catch an unflattering glimpse of myself in a mirror or window reflection and feel ashamed, but I don’t loathe my very existence anymore. And this is really good! This is where I always wanted to be before I made a serious commitment to lose weight. I didn’t want to lose weight to look good in clothes or be attractive to the opposite sex…I wanted to lose weight because I wanted to something good for myself. So…now that I’m here…I need to get rolling. And that’s the hard part.
Since I can’t say I’ve ever dieted or anything before, I’m coming at this with pretty much no idea where to start. So…I’m going to seek help. I contacted my health insurance provider about medical help (nutrition information and such) and I want to join a group to get emotional support .

Now, I do want to keep a record of my progress and setbacks. Since I already have a habit of writing in an online journal, all of my thoughts will be posted in this new journal: all the particulars of weight loss, my actual weight, BMI, and emotional fucked-up-edness. All this stuff is quite intimate information, but I need a place to write them down…keep track…be accountable to. So…this is it. I hope to find a community of other bloggers who are tracking their own journeys…it would be nice to have a wee community.

It’s kind of fitting that today is the season premiere of The Biggest Loser. I don’t think I’ll lose weight as quickly as they are, but…it may be possible. I just want to learn some new habits that I can keep up with for the rest of my life instead of hitting it hard and not being able to sustain it.

Anyway…that’s all!! Here’s to losing half of me.