Hokaaay.

I’m moving this journal to Live Journal. I like it better over there. Sorry!

If you want to follow my renewed efforts, go here! And don’t forget to bookmark it.

Anyone remember me? Anyone care?

Well, it’s been…way too long since my last entry. Needless to say, I am way off track. Two things happened that didn’t make it any easier to stick with my program. One was the holidays. I know, that’s not really an excuse…but it is to me, so, stick it. Haha. The second was a real excuse, and that was that I had emergency surgery to take my appendix out. That happened a few days before New Years, and it knocked me out for three weeks. So, about two weeks of holiday crap, and then three more weeks of recuperation from surgery…that’s FIVE WEEKS of no activity. I’ve since then started back with my weekly training sessions with R, but it’s been like pulling teeth trying to get myself to exercise between sessions. And, I’ve been feeling it.

I feel fat, lethargic, self-conscious, and depressed again.

The fact that I gained an inch around my waist isn’t any consolation.

I’m at this point where I really need to make a solid decision and stick with it. Either give up and weep and eat, or work my ass off again.

Everything that I’ve been doing to pass the time really needs to be secondary at this point. I’m not giving them up at all, they just need to be secondary. First priority after work is to exercise and have a healthy dinner. Second priority will be my hobbies and whatnot. The question in my mind is…do I want to go to the gym? Do I want to stick around my neighborhood? Or do I want to make my way to the track again?

I think a combination of all three might be a good thing.

 

So here’s a preliminary idea of what I have in mind for myself.

 

Monday: Meet with R for session.

Tuesday: Walk home from work (it’s a good 45 minute walk).

Wednesday: Gym for weights and cardio after work.

Thursday: Light 30 minute walk.

Friday: Rest.

Saturday: Field trip! YMCA track, OHSU hill, or hiking. Strength exercises at home. Alone or with friends.

Sunday: Rest.

 

As far as food goes, I’m slowly working towards a standard meal plan for the week and another for weekends. I’m going for calorie restriction for now, balancing protein, complex carbs, and fat. So far, I’ve fallen flat on my face numerous times…but, at least it’s getting back to thinking about what I’m consuming.

 

I just need to realize that this whole plan is TEMPORARY. I need to understand that it will, it has to change in time if I want to be successful. Once I reach my goal, then it’s all about maintenance. This is both comforting and a little scary.

 

This past year, one of the biggest obstacles in front of just going for broke in terms of weight loss (‘cause, let’s face it…I have the power to make the right decisions and to exercise), is that I wasn’t sure I really WANTED to lose the weight. Losing the weight would mean unwanted attention, maintaining moderation, and becoming socially “acceptable.” I would no longer be invisible or have license to eat whatever I wanted. People would look at and treat me differently as a thin person than as a fat person. And I was afraid that I would look at fat people differently, too. That I would become arrogant and preachy about the dangers of being fat. I hate people like that.

 

Like most of my fears, these are probably never going to come to fruition. And if they do? So what? I’ll deal with them when they arise.

 

So…here’s to tweaking my lifestyle again.

I’ve been a bad blogger.

Hey ya’ll! Not sure if you’re still checking in for updates or whatever…but I haven’t updated in a while. Like…three months now…almost. Well, I’m still just plugging away at this. Nothing too exciting, no drama…just slow and steady.

I do have some exciting measurement stats, though. They’re exciting to me, anyway.

These measurements will be my losses from the last measurement post I made on 9/15/07, and totals since 1/23/07 will be in parenthesis.

Neck: no loss (-.75)

Upper Arm: +.05 (-2.7)

Chest: -1.75 (-5.5)

Wasit: -2 (-9)

Hips: -1 (-6.5)

Thighs: -.25 (-3.75)

Calves: +.25 (-1.5)

Totals: -5 (-29.7)

I’m a total loser.

And I’m able to fit into some size 20’s now. I mean…it depends on the brand, for sure. Like, at Lane Bryant I’m still 22/24, but at Torrid…depending on the garment, I can fit into 22 or 20. And I’m able to shop at my favorite consignment store again…Savvy Plus. I haven’t been able to do that in awhile because all the clothes I liked that I thought were my size or near to…were too small. I mean…for awhile there, I was topping out even some of the 26/28 sizes…so to be down to 22/24 at LB…is right where I should be. Now I need to get down to 18/20 concretely.

So. That’s it. I still feel fat…and I still hate the way I look sometimes…but overall…I feel great.

Not Giving Up

Gosh…I’m doing really well at not keeping up with this blog, aren’t I?

 

Well, things are kind of slow in both the weight and inch loss departments. Last time I measured in…I had lost a bit more around the waist, I think…and the bust. But I gained a little in the hips. I forget when that was…but this weekend I’ll be measured again, so we’ll see. At least I haven’t gained in the waist….and that is my main focus anyway. Also, as of this morning, I’m 286. That’s down one pound since my visit to the doctor’s. Yay.

 

Frankly, I think the reason that I’ve been kind of out of the loop was that I overdosed on monitoring myself so freaking closely that I lost sight of what it was I needed to do for myself. Instead of correcting my habits, I freaked out about weight and the numbers. Instead of keeping up my new habits, I reverted to old ones for comfort. Not good. So…I kind of froze and took a break. But now I’m back again.

 

I’ve been on Nutrisystem for the last month and a half, and while it was nice to have meals available for me…I took advantage of having the meals there and snacked on them…binged, rather, is the word. Well…maybe. For instance, I’d have two dinner entrees instead of one…that sort of thing. I knew that I would do that. So, I’m going to bring the food to work to have for lunches and snacks. That will work really nicely because I get in trouble with the snacks available in the lunchroom (chips, candy, cookies, etc) and the delis around here that don’t serve very good food. I need to have my own available. It will also cut down on the amount of food I need to bring to work every day and it will make food less available for easy consumption when I’m home alone. Having to prepare my meals cuts down on my snacking, quite honestly. So…Last night I made myself a chicken breast, heated up some broccoli, and steamed some rice for a very filling and satisfying meal.

 

AND…

 

Tomorrow I will be buying a crockpot (since mine was broken…long story) and some single serving Tupperware containers so I can make a ton of soup or chili or whatever to have for dinner, lunch or the weekends. Yay!

 

AND…

 

I’m going to start keeping a food journal again. When Rachel made me do it, I hated it (which is pretty typical of me…I don’t like people telling me what to do…but I’m working on it for my own sake!)…but I see the value of it and want to start again.

 

AND…

 

I’m adding another day to workout. My neighborhood has some nice hills that I can walk up to boost my heart rate, so I’ve been doing that. It’s a nice 30 minute walk and I usually burn about 400-500 calories. I turn on some awesome dance music and I’m off.

 

AND…

 

I’m refocusing my efforts because I want to succeed even more this coming year. At first I was discouraged by losing twenty pounds in a year…but I had to give myself a little break. Okay, so I spent a year learning the ropes. I learned what it means to workout frequently, I learned what works best for me in terms of eating habits, I learned that I have a long way to go in order to live with compulsive eating habits, I learned that twenty pounds is a lot (try walking with two ten pound weights…it’s hard!!), and I learned that I actually do like to exercise. But now I’m even more determined to lose at least twice as much this coming year. I know what it takes, I know that it’s hard, and I’m ready for it. I’m not promising anything spectacular this year, but I am promising myself that I’m not giving up even if it takes me five years to reach my ultimate goal. Some thirty-five year olds are hot.

Renewed Vision: The Long Winded Version

Happy One Year Anniversary to me! One year ago this week I started to change my life for the better. My ‘conversion moment’ was 9/18/06 when I saw that awful number and since then…I’ve made sure to try to go in the opposite direction. I’m in a better spot now that I would have been if I hadn’t have made the changes I did. So, yay me!

I went to the doctor on Monday to get weighed and talk about why I haven’t lost more weight. With all of my clothes on and in the middle of the day, my weight was 287. *dies a little inside* I thought it was going to be less. The only good thing about all that was that my doctor’s assistant who weighed me was super excited that I lost that much. I was happy to hear that I wasn’t in the 290’s…but I still couldn’t help but feel that I failed myself somehow by not having lost more. I mean, in a year I could have lost at LEAST thirty pounds.

So, the doctor came in and wasn’t sure why I was there even though I already said that I wanted to talk about why I haven’t been losing weight and if PCOS might not be playing a part. I told her that many years ago my gyno diagnosed me with PCOS, and that, subsequently, I read a lot about it…even articles from medical journals. I told her that from what I read, having PCOS makes it harder to lose weight. She said that she’s never heard that, but that being overweight causes PCOS. Then she gave me a fact sheet on it, and it even says on the sheet that PCOS causes weight gain! *sigh* Whatever.

I have to go back to get some blood work done, so hopefully I’ll be able to see what my blood glucose is like and all of that. She did say that even with a twenty pound loss, my body has become more regular. That is, my menstrual cycle has been more regular, and even spot on for the last two months. This is a big deal as for the last four or five years I’ve menstruated probably two or three times a year and never consecutively.

So. There you have it. I’m officially 287 pounds.

Fuck.

And all of a sudden my digital scale decided to work again. This morning I was 285. Better.

I have to say that on top of everything else kicking my butt into gear, this whole thing is sort of the last straw in making more changes. My doctor did recommend that I workout five to six times a week. I’m going to add only one more day to my regimen. I don’t want to pile more on my plate than I can handle and three days a week tires me out already. However, a few things have presented themselves as some good ways to add exercise and the best part is that it involves my friends! Two of the J’s mentioned wanting to do interval running together on weekends. I REALLY want to do Couch to 5K and see it through to the end. And then, two other friends who are not J’s but an M and an N are going to do yoga on Wednesday evenings at my gym. So, I think I’ll join them. I think it would be nice to do it with them.

So, if I do both, that’s five days. Hopefully I’ll see more results.

The NutriSystem has been going well. The best part about it is having dinner available every night, and it’s relatively good. However, when the two months are up, I think that I’d like to pull out my crock pot and duplicate some recipes and have my dinners ready at night. Having dinner already available has made my eating habits healthier and regular. Breakfast and lunch are easy as I can always bring the food and put it together at work since we have a nice kitchen/lunchroom. But dinner always gets me. I get home, sometimes late at night when I work out, and I’m tired and don’t want to fanny with thinking of what to eat. So, I usually snack or eat easy things like cheese sandwiches or something that isn’t so great. Having something good already there is perfect. Warm up the entree, throw some salad in a bowl, toast a piece of bread, slice an apple…voila. Easy.

The other thing I need to put the kibosh on is the extra snacking. At work it’s very easy to just going into the lunchroom and pick something out from the vending machine they have there. It’s more of a snack table, but all the good stuff is there. Candy, chips, cookies, soda, etc. It’s super easy to access and it’s the bane of my existence. Some days I won’t have a problem and stick to the food I bring, but some days I just snack all day from the snack table. It’s becoming less of a problem which is good…but those days that I do snack, I go all out. At least my pop consumption has been drastically reduced. I used to drink at least three Diet Cokes a day. Now I’m down to maybe one or two a week at the most. I also used to drink two to three lattes a day (non fat…but still…it’s coffee), now I have one maybe a couple times a week. Now I’m trying to stick to my ice water. My water bottle holds 32 ounces, so I drink one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. One more if I work out.

Anyway. So there’s an update. I’m trying not to be discouraged. Here are two positives to end with!

Positive #1.

On Sunday I went with two of the J’s to help one find some new frames for her glasses. It was a ton of fun, but I was feeling kinda dowdy. Now…you know how when you look in the mirror and you expect to see yourself looking a certain way? I kept taking quick glances of myself in the mirror when I tried on frames for fun, not taking too long to look. But then I took one good look of myself from the side and I was kind of surprised to see how thin I looked compared to what I was expecting. It was nice.

Positive #2.

Yesterday during my work out I couldn’t stop expressing my frustration with the weight thing. It’s been a WHOLE YEAR and I’ve only lost twenty pounds. Grouse, grouse, grouse. One of the finishing exercises Rachel had me do was do our uphill walk, which is grueling enough (although getting easier…), but she had me carry two ten pound weights this time. Oh my God…I just about died. It was SO HARD. And it was a very good reminder that twenty pounds does make a difference.

Positive #3.

While at the doctor’s office, I realized that the reason I had gone there a year ago this month had hardly been a problem as of late. I had been having digestive problems…like IBS. I still have episodes every now and then, but lately it’s hardly been a problem. In fact, my digestion as a whole has been less of worry for me. Yay!

Positive #4.

Even though I weigh a lot still, I don’t actually FEEL fat anymore. Sure I have my moments of fatness like most people do, but for the most part I FEEL thin. I put my hands on my hips and I’m always surprised by how long it takes me to feel them under my hands. I’m used to having my hips readily available to rest my hands on. I’m also surprised by how close my arms rest to my body. Instead of feeling like they are resting on an inflated balloon, my arms feel more normal…more perpendicular to my body. And I can almost feel a normal waist without the rolls of fat covering it up. I no longer feel the fat spilling over my jeans. I no longer have pants that don’t fit. In fact, most of the pants that I couldn’t wear without feeling like my circulation had been cut off now fit me perfectly…some are even too big. It’s an amazing feeling to have clothes that actually fit. On the bus, I no longer take up one and a half seats. People actually sit next to me now. I can walk down the aisle without turning myself sideways. I feel confidant, and pretty, and I feel as though I could do anything. All of this I feel after only twenty pounds lost….seven inches lost around my waist…I’m a bit overwhelmed by the thought of losing ONE HUNDRED THIRTY pounds more.

And actually…I’ve been rethinking my goal weight. I think that my natural weight is more or less around 170 and not 150. I wouldn’t mind being 150, but I think that weight might be hard to maintain. We shall see, though. So, for now…170 is my goal weight. That means…I really only have 117 more pounds to lose. I like that number a lot better than 130. If I can be a size 12 at 170, I will be a very happy woman. I haven’t been a size 12 since…junior high?

Anyway…that’s it!

Hello again!

It’s hard to keep a blog about weight loss when most of the time it’s just business as usual. Like I’ve said before…weight loss can be so boring! Unless you have a ‘conversion moment’ or you have a new loss. I’ve had both!

This past week I’ve come to the conclusion that my flagging motivation is my own damn fault. I’ve relied too heavily on other people to keep me motivated. Well…that just doesn’t work. I’ve found that out, and now…well I’m working on changing that. My workouts have been a lot better because of it. And I’m sure that my trainer is happy to hear me stop grumbling and whining. LOL

So, I’ve still dealing with the stupid weight thing. I go up and down like it’s no one’s business. For the longest time I was up and down between 290 and 287. As of late I haven’t hit 290 very often (yes, I’ve been weighing myself quite a lot actually…just to see what the pattern is, if there is one), so that’s good. On Wednesday morning, I hit a new low of 284! Then, a strange thing…that night I hit 283. So…I’m actually going for 284. That’s my new low. This morning I weighed in at 287…so, my thought its…if i can fluctuate between 287 and 284…then that means I’ve been losing weight. But, I’m running with the 284. I figure that I’ll always take the next lowest number as the true weight. So…I have now officially lost 21 pounds.

Alrighty…now for the better stuff. New measurements! This loss is counted from the last measurement taken on 8/25…with totals in parenthesis.

Neck: – .25 (-.75)

Chest: – .25 (-3.75)

Waist: – .5 (-7)

Hips: no loss (-5.5)

Upper legs: -.25  (-3.25)

Calves: -.25 (-1.75)

Total: -1.5 (-22)

Long absence and new measurements

Helllooooo. Long time no write!

So, things have been sort of frustrating these past few weeks. I was measured about three weeks ago and not only did I not have any changes, I actually gained, like a third of an inch around my waist! I was not happy. But it did motivate me to sort of tighten up on my eating. I’ve still be fucking up on that…but I’m really trying to keep a moderate diet. I try to make sure that I don’t eat processed foods at the very least, and I think I’m about 80% successful at that.

Funny thing, though…my weight was stable.

I still haven’t lost anything, though. However, Saturday’s measurements were better.

To be honest, I think that to see more changes weight-wise (and more changes with the measurements) I need to change my diet again. I think that recently I’ve been living under the erroneous impression that one diet change was going to solve everything…but it’s dawning on me that to be successful…I need to keep changing and modifying what I eat. Maybe after I finally reach my goal I can keep the same diet.

So…on to the good stuff.

I’m basing the losses here on the last measurements from 7/21. Like always, total losses will be in parenthesis.

Neck: no loss (-1.5)

Upper arm: +.25 (-2.75)

Chest: no change (-3.5)

Waist: -1 (-6.5)

Hips: -.5 (-5.5)

Upper Thigh: no change (-3)

Calves: no change (-1.5)

Total: -1.5 (-24.25)

So, I’m stoked about the waist measurement. That’s the one that counts for me (although, having a smaller ass would be nice, too) and that’s the one that’s in the lead. I have to keep telling myself that I’ve lost 24.25 inches all over my body and that even though the weight is still not budging…I HAVE BEEN MAKING POSITIVE PROGRESS.

I have a doctor’s appointment at the end of the month to sort of see why my weight hasn’t been moving for all the progress I’ve been making on my body size.

So…it’s pretty much business as usual. Weight loss is sorta boring…nothing like the drastic “before” and “after” crap that media pushes on us all the time. But, I’m telling myself (as have other people) that the slower I go, the better of a chance I have of keeping it off. However, I tried running again. This time it was a lot easier…and for several reasons. One was that I now have athletic insoles…which has helped me overall with my regular workouts. Another is that I stopped to stretch between every other 60 second jog. I’m going to keep this up at least once a week (if I can make myself get out there to do it…that’s the real trick) until I can finish the run without stopping. And, the other reason it was so easy was that the track was recently resurfaced with new rubber! It’s all nice and bouncy and smells like a new tennis shoe.

So…that’s it. It’s all just a boring uphill battle. LOL.

Let’s try this…

Soooo. My abs are KILLING ME. My trainer, Rachel, had me doing these absurdly difficult things that inspired many a whine from me. All the same…it hurts in a good way I guess. I swear to God…I have a six pack under all this flab. LOL.

 

Anyhoo. As of the last time I weighed in…I had lost three pounds since the previous weigh in which was a month before that. I think.

 

And previous to that…the weight just doesn’t want to come off.

 

I know this is verging into TMI territory, but hear me out. A couple of days ago Aunt Flow came to visit after a six month absence. This has been the norm for the last year or two. I had been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) many years ago, so irregularity isn’t anything new. But twice a year is a little…ridiculous.

 

One of the ladies in my online weight loss community made a comment about how PCOS could be a reason why my body is having a hard time letting the weight go. Considering all that I’ve read about PCOS being strongly linked to insulin resistance and insulin resistance being linked to being overweight and that whole circle…it made sense to me that PCOS could be playing a negative role here.

 

*lightbulb over head*

 

She mentioned that she has been taking Metformin for PCOS, and it has helped her.

 

So, when I get back from my weekend camping trip, I’ll be making an appointment to go see a doctor and see if maybe I can get fixed up here. I don’t see medication like this as a weight loss solution, but if it helps me become regular and avoid cervical cancer or whatever…please! Gimmie! If it assisted in a little more weight lost, that would be an added bonus of course.

 

As I complained to my trainer last night, I should be seeing just a little more consistency in the weight loss than I have been seeing. I lost a lot of weight at first, but now it’s just not budging. So…that’s that.

 

Overall, the pounds aren’t a measurement of my success and I know that. I’ve lost a good number of inches around my waist, I’m building muscle, my clothes are fitting better/getting baggy, and I feel better. I’m learning new habits and I’m learning the difference between hunger and the need to binge. That’s the measure of my success.

 

However. Weight really is a part of it. So, if that number isn’t changing, then I do need to do something to get it going.

 

So.

 

Yeah. J

Marry me, Dr. Purnell

Whilst searching for the actual Oregonian article that sensationalized the NEJM study, I found this reponse by an associate professor at OHSU. Thank God someone in the medical field responded.

I still think this issue needs to be discussed further in a public forum. And I’m still really pissed.

Oh…and here’s the article that ran in the Oregonian.

OHNOZE!!!!!

According to the New England Journal of Medicine I AM BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH. I will make you fat. I am contagious.

Even if their findings are ’scientific’ or ‘accurate’ is still useless information. In the Oregonian yesterday, one of the doctors associated with this study said that it wasn’t his intention to suggest that thin people avoid being friends with fat people…but damn!!! What ELSE is a reader going to assume? Who wants to be fat?

I have never been so pissed in all my life. Even if it’s TRUE…what the FUCK??? As if fat people didn’t ALREADY feel alienated and unloved and  unwanted…now there’s a medical study that confirms the undeniable and concrete proof that we should be sequestered from society because….OH MY GOD WE ARE MAKING EVERYONE AROUND US FAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!

*takes a deep breath*

I half expect an angry, albiet thin, mob to take me away to fat camp or an obesity clinic or whatever the hell…

Fat people don’t need this shit. I say that all fat people should go out in public in skin tight and barely there clothing, sit their fat asses in restaraunt seats and booths and stuff their faces just to spite the New England Journal of Fucking Medicine.

I may be changing my lifestyle to become healthier…but that doesn’t mean that I don’t DEMAND respect as a human being. GOD!!!

Amid the big push to erase intolerance and bigotry aimed towards people of color, religion, and sexual orientation…fat people are still fair game.  I refuse to roll over and take it. I’m here, I’m fat, GET. THE FUCK. OVER IT.