Can’t help it. I’ve really come to love riding. The silence, the freedom, the exertion and speed, the time to be alone and think, and getting my heart rate up is something that I’m coming to prize very highly. The only thing I’m not so crazy about is the sweating. I sweat a lot, obviously, but when I’m heading to work or the store, it’s a little embarrassing to walk in looking sweaty and disheveled.
Last night I rode a new route home with less traffic and major hills. Since my panniers were full with my change of clothing, tupperware from lunch, and my purse…I wanted to empty them at home. So, I did that and then headed right back out again to do a grocery run. Really, all I wanted to do was ride, but I had stuff I needed to get.
This weekend I’m going to try a twelve mile ride on this bike, see how it goes, see if I need to work up to it. The seat, even thought it’s a ladies’ seat and gel padded, can get a little uncomfy…so I’m not sure if I could do that yet. We’ll see. I plan on doing it Saturday after my run and after breakfast.
I wonder if I’m going to have to resign myself to showering everyday. It’s the hair, people. My dye job is awesome and spendy…and if I shower too much, it fades. Maybe I can get away with not washing it everyday?
My plan to write up my workout schedule has taken a back seat. There’s a lot going on in my life that I have to be thinking about, so of course I start overanalyzing, worrying, and then I need time to chill out…and I chill out by surfing the web. After work it’s especially bad…I’m on for HOURS. I really need to start using a timer or something. After I fix dinner, I get an hour to surf, and then it’s on to important stuff.
Of course, if I do that I can find so many other fun things to do.
Either way, the scheduling goal is still on my mind. It’s on my task list on my phone, and it’s in my Google Calendar…etc. so it will get done, but probably not as soon as I’d like it to be.
So, I borrowed this Trek mountain bike from a friend until I could find my own bike. He was cool with letting me change things up so it fit me and I felt comfortable on it. Since the poor thing pretty much broke the night I got it (the back wheel’s axel broke in half!), I needed to take it in anyway.
When I was at the shop and there was this whole laundry list of things to do on it I figured…why don’t I just buy the bike from him? It has an aluminum frame, so it’s nice and light, and road tires already. So, I did!
I got brand new red wheels that actually go really well with the dark purple frame. They put new handle bars on so it’s more comfortable to lean over, and I don’t feel like I’m hitting myself with my knees everytime I pump the pedals.
I also got a new rack and some panniers!
In addition to new brakes, and general tune up stuff…this bike is flippin’ awesome. The cycle guy, I keep forgetting his name…really listened to my concerns and dealt with them in a sensitive and resourceful way. I’m so happy with the results.
Also, I traded in my cruiser. I loved the idea of the cruiser, but I just didn’t want to have a billion bikes lashed to the balcony out front or parked inside my already small place.
Anyway…hooray! This morning’s commute was great. There were a couple of hills that burned, but overall…having twenty one speeds on this thing really make a huge difference.
In most every story you read about major weight loss “success,” they never EVER talk about what they did when it got hard and they had to overcome temptations or weaknesses. They never ever mention all the times that they wanted to quit, or all the times that they felt like major failures whenever they fell back into old habits. In all the stories you hear, they talk about how there came a moment of realization either from seeing themselves in a reflection or a photo, or not being able to go up a flight of stairs, and from then on they all of a sudden were able to ignore the years’ worth of bad habits to cultivate new ones. The stories make it seem like it was the easiest thing in the world to make all the right choices, and in a year or two they became this happy, thin person.
Well, I’m here to tell you that this is fucking hard. It’s not easy, it’s not always fun, and it’s not a straight shot to Skinnyland. I’ve been at it for three years…four years? And in those four years, I’ve made the most progress with my mental and emotional issues. Yes, I’ve lost a few pounds and inches, but I’ve really had to work hard at changing my attitude towards food and eating…changing my relationship with it. It’s not easy.
That said, I had a shitty week last week, and for a couple of days I ate and drank whatever the hell I wanted and I didn’t record it in WW. Then I got over it when I got my tax refund and was able to get my bike!
So, last week sucked. I felt defeated and weak and depraved of all the good stuff I wanted…like lots of beer. I consoled myself with a Tic Tac bender (eating a couple of things of Tic Tacs during the day), and then a Good ‘n Plenty bender…and now I’m okay.
It’s amazing how much my body needs exercise to maintain my ability to make good decisions. The moment I got back on that bike, I was making better choices with my food and scheming out my workout schedule…which still has yet to come to fruition. It will happen…I just haven’t found the best way to record it and keep it handy. Maybe today after work I will go get that dry erase calendar board that I talked about earlier. Maybe that will help.
Anyway. Had a good dinner last night that I made, biked into work today, and had a good breakfast. Now it’s time for work.
I ate mostly terrible meals, going over my weekly points by twelve!!
I didn’t exercise…AT ALL.
Of course, now I feel like SHIT.
The good thing about all this is that tomorrow is a new day. Now that I’m on the upswing, emotionally speaking, I can attack this again.
This morning, I had a ham and cheese omlete with HASHBROWNS smothered in ketchup. It was soooooo good. I enjoyed it very much. So, I declared this past week a “Fuck it” week and am focusing on making better choices tomorrow.
Meh. So, my weekend plans of sitting down and figuring out my training schedule didn’t happen. At all. Nor did any running workouts. Too tired, too hungover, didn’t feel like it. That’s not okay!!
I had three and a half days to do it, but each day was just full of activity and social time (as well as downtime that I need to stay sane) that I didn’t get anything done. I kind of don’t blame myself as it was my birthday celebration on Saturday night, so I was rather mentally preoccupied.
I’ll try for this weekend, instead, for the planning stuff, and this week I’ll make an effort to get out there at least twice, and then do a good strength training session in between. When I get my bike back from the shop, that will help, too.
I’m thinking that it might be worth my time to get one of those dry eraser monthly calendars to write everything on. As time goes by, and I’m actually making a real effort to track my eating, my workouts, and my mental progress…I’m finding that I really CAN keep up on all this. I need practice, patience, and determination to continue when I fail, but I CAN do this.
Quite honestly, I think that the only reason I’m *here* is because of the last bit…my determination to continue on when I fail. For the last three years, I’ve fallen and “quit” so many times, but I keep getting back up and starting again. Sure, I don’t see the kind of progress that I’d like to, but in keeping my determination to continue onwards, I’ve discovered so much about myself and so much about what it really is I’m trying to achieve here. See, weight loss is becoming a secondary goal…and, really, an afterthought to achieving fitness and staying active. This is a mental and emotional state that makes me HAPPY and SATISFIED with what I’m doing for myself. This is the sort of thing that creates a long term motivation for me.
For all the stress and crap that I deal with in my little head, my life is great, and there is no need to create drama where there really is none. Weight loss is dramatic…it’s emotional…it’s shaming…and we choose to put that on ourselves when we set out to lose weight. Weight loss suggests that there is something wrong with our bodies, that there is something fundamentally wrong with US. Achieving fitness and staying active suggests that we think life is worth living and we are happy and positive. Of course this is a generalization, but that’s how it seems to me. So, why would I want to choose negative and self shaming weight loss for myself? I refuse to feel bad about my physical body because that attitude doesn’t serve me at all. Even if I did manage to lose all my weight, without attending to my mental and emotional state and roadblocks, I would still have a negative attitude about my body. My happiness would depend on how my body looked, and that is such a transient and temporary thing. I don’t want to live like that. Fat or thin, too many women associate happiness with how their physical form appeals to others, and we all see just how far women go to retain some semblance of acceptable “beauty” and “health.” How is this a good thing? It isn’t. So, again, I refuse to get on that boat.
To be very honest, I sometimes still have a hard time reconciling my refusal to get on that boat with my attempts to lose weight. If I refuse to do this…then why am I tracking points on Weight Watchers? Why am I now choosing a tall Skinny Vanilla Latte over a Caramel Macchiato? I don’t even LIKE Skinny Vanilla Lattes. When I really think about it, really reach down into myself to find this motivation…I feel like I’m doing this because being the size that I am isn’t serving me anymore. I don’t feel like I have a particularly negative or positive emotional attachment to my size, it’s just that being fat isn’t what I want to be. That’s all.
The answer to the question of “why?” I don’t quite know yet…but I really don’t think it’s because I hate the way I look now…because I don’t. This time in my life is one of transitions and transformations. I’m becoming comfortable with who I am, and learning how to express myself, to take risks, and to not be afraid of living. Maybe achieving fitness and a smaller pants size is a part of all that. Time will answer this question.
In closing, I wanted to post this video that a Facebook friend posted to her wall. It’s really a very interested lecture about fat identity and the politics surrounding weight loss. It’s about forty five minutes, at times kind of hard to hear, but well worth it. I encourage you to take the time to watch it!
I know that pretty much no one reads my blog, but I participated in a friend’s giveaway and wanted to give her a shout out. So if you’ve stumbled by, like vintage stuff as I do, go visit my friend Inky!!
It was a bit inexplicable, my morning workout on Tuesday.
The night before I had consumed an entire bottle of wine. On my own. That is not really a terrible thing as it doesn’t get me that drunk…but still, I’m trying to watch what I consume here. A bottle of wine isn’t ideal, and it made me seriously go over my points for the day.
Anyway, I woke up at about 6.30 the next morning, feeling kind of groggy. I laid there for a few minutes thinking to myself that I should really get up and do another C25K jog. I considered the fact that I had to be out of the house and on the bus by 7.30, and then I got up, put on my workout clothes and running shoes and headed out.
Since I didn’t have the time for strength training (which usually gets me sufficiently warmed up and stretched out for my run), I just did the run. I have to say that it was more difficult than usual, but…dammit, I did it. My scheduled morning workouts have definitely suffered in the last few months, but if I can just get out there for my 30 minute jog…I will be in really good shape.
The other day I bought a book called “Strength Training for Women.” It’s a really good book as it gives you some good exercises to do to at home to tone and build strength. I don’t need, or want, to be bulky or really muscular or anything like that. I just want to be able to maintain good muscle support for my body. So, since I have all of the equipment already, I just need to choose what I’m going to do for each session and I’m GOLDEN. LOL
No progress on the biking front. I need to get that darn thing into the shop…ideally tomorrow after work. *sigh* I can tell already that this will be the biggest hassle of biking.
No progress on the swimming either! I really need to get going on this, but, and again, this is really, really stupid and vain, I don’t want my hair color to run. LOL My hair is dyed black with parts of dyed blue and fuchsia. It’s awesome, I pay a lot for it, and I’m really miserable when I don’t have my hair dyed. So…I just don’t want the chlorine to strip it. I did hear from someone that get it wet, and putting conditioner on it before putting on your swim cap can preserve the hair color. I wonder if that’s true for bright colors like mine. I would hate to be the one to turn the swimming pool purple. Eek!
I finally got my butt out there on Saturday and did my regular workout. I think I had kind of been using the bike as an excuse not to do my regular workouts. That’s not acceptable. Especially if I really want to do a triathlon. I need to build up my strength and endurance and I can’t do that with one or two workouts a week.
So, I did my usual routine of strength training. Five minute walk followed by two circuits of: three up/down on stairs, ten pushups, ten high steps, and ten lunges. Then I did my C25K run, which ended up being a Week 2 run. For whatever reason I didn’t have a Week 1 run on my phone…so, meh. I surprised myself by doing it, though! It was tough starting out, but I quickly got into the groove. I’m still trying to find my posture, and off and on I found it on Saturday. So…if anything, I need to get out there more to practice that posture!
This weekend’s goal is to sit down with myself and make a concrete plan of action towards my first triathlon at the end of July. Here’s my list of things to do and plan out.
Register and pay fee for triathlon at Blue Lake.
Look at GECKO Tri Club swim practices, and figure out when to go and a way to get there. Maybe I will have to budget regular Zipcar use and incorporate another errand, like grocery shopping, to justify the expense?
Get bicycle in the shop.
Make a list of various things I need to buy for swimming, for the bike.
Figure out a budget for pool fees, memberships, registrations, equipment, etc.
Figure out when to start my official training schedule.
Figure out my pre-training training schedule.
Consider working towards running a 5K race before the triathlon?
Consider focusing on swimming because I suck at this.
Look at the other kinds of races in the area that I could do this year, and consider the Danskin Triathlon in Seattle in August.
Finish reading “Triathlon for Women” to help maximize my official training time.
I think these are all very important things, and everything else will follow it. The thing I keep surprising myself with is my seriousness about doing this triathlon and my very positive notion that I can actually do it and finish it with the right training.
I’m very pleased that my motivation level is balanced right now, neither lukewarm nor fire hot. The last few times I’ve had bursts of motivation, it didn’t sustain me at all. It’s like eating a candy bar. The first burst of energy is there, but it’s superficial and can’t sustain you as a healthy meal can. Neither am I not motivated at all because I’m always thinking about it. The key is motivating myself enough to actually ACT upon it.
There is a lot for me to remember to do for myself these days. Keeping track of my food, remembering to eat well, gaining the motivation to cook for myself are huge things that I’m working on. Also, I have to remember to be active, whether it’s a workout, a stroll, or a bike ride. Add to this social time, crafty time, and just laying low with ME time. What I need to cut out is internet time. I spend WAY too much time at home online when I should be getting daily household chores done so that I don’t get overwhelmed with housework when I feel I should be doing something else.
One of the (MANY) changes that I’ve noticed since starting my antidepressant medication has been the lack of physical pain. Before the meds (BTM), I had a very low threshold of pain, and seemed to hyper focus on the pains and aches that I had. Of course, that started a cyclical thought pattern that convinced me that I had cancer or something, which, in turn, made me worry, and then get depressed, etc. It seems silly to me now, but it was a very real cycle of pain and fear and anxiety. Soreness from working out would deter me from continuing, as it was just too much to deal with, just too overwhelming.
About eight or nine years ago, I rode my old mountain bike from high school around town. To school, to work, to get groceries, etc. I had panniers, a light, a rear view mirror…I was set. I remember that it was difficult and uncomfortable to ride, but I did, off and on, for about six months. Then my bike was stolen, and that was the end of that until about four years later when I got another bike. Maybe it was because it didn’t fit me well enough, but I could barely ride it. It hurt too much, and I sore for days afterwards.
When I started working out, it was such a feat to get myself out there and then to push myself to do anything. My trainer, bless her, was very patient and encouraging, but she also felt my frustration with this wall that I kept hitting. It was like this mental/physical block that I just couldn’t get rid of. Of course, I’d have really, really good days, really, really good workouts where I was focused and motivated and ready for the tasks at hand. But most of the time, it was like pulling teeth. I just wasn’t into it.
After the meds (ATM), things started to change for me. I stopped feeling so achy all the time, I didn’t notice the various pains that would worry me, and my threshold seemed to rise for physical discomfort. I was able to push myself when I exercised, I was present and focused…and when I got my bike the hills weren’t so daunting and I actually *had fun*.
Even though I’ve been taking meds for almost a year now, every so often I look back at the way I was BTM, and it just astounds me how different my life was then compared to now. To be honest, I had no life then. Of course, I had friends and did stuff, but everything I did was carried out with caution, and I just couldn’t be the kind of person I wanted to be, nor could I do everything that I wanted to do. I just couldn’t. So, I am so glad that I finally got on medication because what used to be impossible is now possible. What used to be overwhelming is now surmountable.
I just wish that I had been able to do this earlier, but there is no time for regrets!
So, it turns out that the seat post on my cruiser had been greased up, so it made for easy slippage. I could clean it up, but since I’m more interested in having a bike that’s appropriate for triathlon training, I’d rather sell it and get a different bike. Or keep it, find a place to put it, and use it for joy ridin’ in the summer.
So…since I want to take my time in choosing a bicycle and still be able to ride, a good friend of mine offered to lend me one of his bicycles. It’s a Trek mountain bike that he put thinner wheels on so it’s more suitable for road biking. Right away, I loved how light it was and how wonderful it was having more than three gears to work with. Hello hills! I don’t hate you so much now! LOL
The bad things. The handle bar grips are set too close together. For a fatty with lots of boobage, this doesn’t work. Plus, and this is probably easy to fix, the handle bars are way too low so that crouching with a belly in the way makes it hard to pedal. ANNNND, last night as I was riding the bike home, the back wheel spokes fucking BROKE. Yeah…that’s not embarrassing at all. Luckily my friend is very chill about it and is fine with me getting it fixed. He even offered to pay for it. Which is silly.
Still, I wish that I knew of a fat friendly bike shop that understands some of the issues that fat people have with bicycles. I love riding, it’s just that I need some adjustments to make it more comfortable to do so.
I guess I should really take the opportunity to at least start working on my running and swimming in the meantime. LOL
In other news, Weight Watchers is going really well. I’ve really taken to the points system. Since I get caught up in details of calorie/fat counting and what not, just having a simple system to keep track of what I eat has been so helpful…and easier to follow. Right now I’m trying to remember to find foods that are low in points and more filling. WW has lists of filling, low point foods…so it makes it easier to remember what foods to choose when shopping and eating out. I also really, REALLY love the extra allotment of points that they give you for the week. So, I could go over my daily allotment (which I have), but have some flexibility in using the weekly points to cover a special meal or whatever. That way the temptation to berate yourself isn’t really there. Plus, if you’re exercising, you can add up activity points to use if you use up even the weekly points. Sounded confusing at first, but I get it now…and it’s really exciting to keep up with.
